Vessels
by Jdragon122
Summary: Dean and Sam have finally discovered that Lucifer has possessed Castiel, and they must fight to escape before they can help their friend. But in their escape Dean does something unexpected, he becomes Cas's vessel. They try to find a way to get Cas back his own vessel, but they have bigger problems. Lucifer and the Darkness are loose and they must fight to stop another apocalypse.
1. Escape

Dean was running.

The adrenaline was pumping through his veins as he ran through the halls of the bunker. The halls were dark, making it difficult to see.

Then he skidded to a stop when he found the door to his room. He shoved it open and scrambled to grab something from under his pillow. A silver blade glinted in the dim room.

He once again sprinted as he ran from the room. He turned a corner and stopped.

He had just been here. There was his room, the door still open.

"What the hell!" He was gasping for air now, but he rounded the corner again. He was right back where he started.

"Shit!"

There was a cold laugh that echoed on the walls of the bunker. "Oh no, no, no, no..." He was muttering now as he fidgeted and waited. He could feel his heart racing and the heat under his skin.

Waiting. It was horrible. The knot in his stomach tightened with each passing second. His eyes darted back and forth, anticipating what was to come.

Then he felt it. The air became oppressive and heavy, buzzing with energy. It was almost too hard to breathe. He spun around, blade at the ready.

A hand immediately grabbed his throat and pinned him to the wall. He dropped the blade as his head hit the wall with a crack and his vision faltered. He struggled against the unknown hands, as he fought for breath and his vision slowly returned. He was dizzy and disoriented, but he could see the dark brown hair and long coat. Then everything came into focus and he was met with sharp blue eyes.

"Cas!" He gasped, still fighting to breathe. A twisted smile appeared on the angel's face. "Oh no, Cas isn't home right now. He hasn't been here since you came back from Hell."

Lucifer tightened his grip. "And you didn't even notice. How sad. You must be a really good friend Dean." The angel grabbed Dean's arm with his free hand and twisted it with a snap.

Dean cried out as his bones broke loudly. His breath was taken from him as a fist smashed his face and he felt blood begin to trickle from his nose and mouth. Lucifer raised his hand again to hit him but he froze suddenly

An annoyed look crossed his face before he was able to strike Dean again.

"Now, now Cas. Let your big brother do his job." Dean stopped struggling as he realized what was happening.

"Cas!" He tried to speak through a mouthful of blood, "You can fight this, its okay."

"Really Dean, I expected more from you. I never thought of you as the begging type." Lucifer roughly grabbed his jacket and forced him to hang from the wall.

His arm burned with pain and Dean could feel tears welling in his eyes. "Cas please!" Lucifer just smiled and laughed as he threw him on the cold hard floor.

Dean coughed, the blood finally flowing free onto the floor. Lucifer slowly strode over to where he lay, relishing in Dean's agony. The archangel stood over him and Dean waited for the inevitable pain.

It came when the angel suddenly slammed a foot down on his broken arm. He cried out as the bones crunched against the stone floor. He tried to quite his moans of pain as Lucifer crouched down over him, his foot still on his arm.

"Now I can do this without little Sammy getting in the way. Let's see, what hurts more, here or here?" He raised his hand and spread it first on Dean's forehead then on his chest.

Both times made Dean burn and cry out. The pain was white hot and sharp, making his sight blur again. Lucifer kept his hand on Dean's chest and blood again bubbled from his lips. Dean felt like his heart was about to burst, his veins were popping and his whole face was red and contorted.

He made a last effort to grab Lucifer's hand and rip it off him, but the angel's hand stayed firm. "Oh don't worry. I won't kill you yet Dean. But this might sting a little."

There was an evil glint in his blue eyes, the ones Dean used to know so well. But then he faltered again.

The cruel smile dissipated and was replaced by a look of concentration. He began to shake and slowly retracted his hand. His face twisted and he grit his teeth. "No, no, NO!"

Lucifer staggered backwards moving away from Dean and staring at his shaking hands. Dean took the opportunity, scrambled to his feet and grabbed the blade.

Lucifer - Cas - whoever's eyes were starting to glow, Dean could almost see the inner turmoil within them, the battle for dominance within a single vessel.

Now it was Lucifer's turn to turn bright red. The effort to try and maintain control seemed to take its toll and he fell on his knees. Then the eyes looked up and met Dean's.

Cas's blue eyes met Dean's shining green ones and Dean's breath caught in his chest.

"Cas..." It was then with a pained expression that Cas finally said, "Run."

There was a blast of bright bluish light as grace flowed out of the vessel's mouth. The two streams of grace were intertwined, circling around each other, locked in battle. They were both light blue but one emitted a cooler presence while the other seemed red with rage. They continued to spiral and Dean watched for only a second before he began running in the opposite direction.

He ran and ran, ignoring the excruciating pain in his arm and the thoughts that were clouding his brain. Where was Sam, was Cas okay, how can he hide from an archangel?

He stopped when he could no longer breathe properly and his throat burned like fire.

He looked around. He was in the hallway with the door to the dungeon to his left. He went through it. He shut and locked the door behind him, like that would do any good.

He looked around clutching the angel blade still in his hands. What was he going to do? Cas could be dead for all he knew and he couldn't go to the entrance, Lucifer would expect that. He was trapped, down here in his own dungeon.

A sad laugh escaped him as he thought about it. He didn't know if Sam or Cas was okay and it was causing a lump to form in his throat. But they could be alive; he had to believe that, he was nothing without them.

Last he remembered before everything had gone to shit, was Sam calling out in warning. Dean had just figured it out, Cas wasn't Cas, Sam had been about to tell him but there was no need.

Before either of them could say anything Cas- no Lucifer had appeared behind him and had swung Dean around to face him. Sam had then jumped in and punched Lucifer in the face in an attempt to make him let go of his brother.

It worked. Lucifer was momentarily distracted and Dean took advantage and kicked him square in the chest. Lucifer was furious, he had stared at Dean like a cat with a mouse, hungry for his blood.

"Run Sammy go!" He had yelled before sprinting down the hall, praying that Lucifer was after him and not his brother. Apparently he was and that had led to his confrontation and broken arm.

But now, what would he do NOW.

His thoughts were wild, any idea was welcome. And them something came to him, something crazy, but it might work. He's not sure he liked the idea, what it would involve, but it was Cas. He could trust him couldn't he?

But he had said yes. Why? Why would he do that, maybe he shouldn't... But this was Cas, the Cas that had helped them through everything, that had helped him through everything but... No, no, no! Not now. This could be their one chance, if Cas was still alive.

He had to try.

He called out despite the burning in his lungs.

"Cas! CASTIEL!"

He could be giving himself away but he continued. He was praying to him now, he needed Cas to come to him.

 _Cas man please! I need you here, I need your help, PLEASE!_

The air was suddenly filling with a soft light. A quite silence fell around the room and Dean found it surprisingly peaceful and calming.

The grace silently twisted through the air and Dean knew it was Cas, it just felt like Cas.

It swirled until it was hovering in front of Dean, condensing into a bright ball of light. It seemed to swim in graceful circles, closer and closer. It took Dean's breath away.

He didn't want to admit it to himself but he thought it was beautiful.

 ** _Dean,_** the familiar voice rang in his head, it wasn't the same as his vessel's voice but Dean recognized it.

"Cas." There was relief in his voice. He had escaped Lucifer, for now.

Dean knew he needed to talk fast but he struggled as he spoke the words. "Cas you need a vessel right?"

The light seemed to stiffen in response and the room turned slightly colder and dimmer.

 ** _Yes,_** it was a tentative response, almost a question.

"Then - I need - Cas - Oh godamnit! Cas I need you to possess me! Yes."

He couldn't believe that he said it, and it had left him breathless. He didn't like this idea but it was the only one he had.

The grace swirled quicker now and an oppressive atmosphere once again nearly suffocated him.

 ** _Dean, no I can't -_**

"Do it Cas! There's no time, it'll be easier for the both of us. We need to get out of here and I'm not sure I can on my own. But if you - uurrrg-" he didn't want to say it again, "if you do it, it's like two in one, we can both get out of here so just DO IT!"

Castiel still hesitated and floated around Dean until they both felt another presence.

The air started to buzz with heat and anger and they both knew who it was.

 ** _I'm sorry Dean,_** the voice echoed in his head before there is another blinding light and his whole body is lighting up like a holy fire.

It hurts. He is sure he is screaming but he can't hear over the sound of ringing in his head. It is several seconds before the pain stops.

There is no more light in the room, it is dark. But Dean can see.

His arm is healed and he assumes the rest of him is too, but he can't look. His body is not his own and he watches himself looks down at his hands without his instruction.

He can't control himself and it's scaring him. But then he realizes that something else feels different in his head. It's not just his mind he senses but also another's.

 _Cas?_ His thoughts are cautious as he pushes curiosity towards what he knows is Cas. Cas must sense his worry because he responds **,** ** _It's okay Dean, I won't take advantage of you I promise._**

Their private conversation is interrupted when the room of the dungeon blasts open. Castiel immediately readies himself with the blade that had still been in Dean's hand.

Lucifer walks in wearing Cas's vessel. Dean can sense the awkwardness Cas feels by staring at what had been him for so long. When Lucifer sees Cas he just stands and stares. Then he laughs.

"Oh so Dean thought he'd be smart did he? He let you use him as his meat suit?!" He sighs, "Well that'll just make it easier for me, you know. Kill two birds with one stone."

They begin to circle each other. Dean can feel his body moving, but the movement is different than his. It's tense and straighter, different from his usual relaxed lounging about.

"What's your game Lucifer?" His own gruff voice fills the room and it is him and yet not him. It's too monotone.

Dean is quite as he begins to watch the exchange.

"Game? There is no game here Castiel. It's simple, you, Sam, and Dean all threw me into the cage and do you know what kind of pain there is in there? The loneliness and torment? Of course you don't, but I'm just repaying the favor. I will make you all suffer."

Dean feels the power building up within him as Cas prepares to fight. _Cas you know you can't beat him. We need to run!_ **_I know Dean I'm working on it._**

Cas's eyes slowly scanned the room, looking for anything that might help in their escape. But he is subtle about it and makes sure not to lose sight of Lucifer for more than a couple seconds, keeping his head facing the archangel.

A jar. He sees a jar. He remembers it from when Lucifer had looked through the dungeon, and he remembers its contents.

The angels were still circling each other and Cas steps ever so slightly closer to the jar with each rotation.

When Cas is finally close enough, he moves with lightning speed.

When he reaches for the jar Lucifer is fast to react and is upon him the moment he moves.

Hands are on his neck again but Cas swings the jar forward and shatters it on the side of Lucifer's face.

He cried out as the holy oil started to burn through the skin of his vessel, bubbling and burning the borrowed flesh.

It was horrifying to watch, as he looked like Cas and it unnerved both Dean and Cas.

But Cas didn't waste any time and he threw the angel off him and ran through the door.

He was sprinting as fast as he could in his confined state towards the main entrance.

 _What about Sam!?_ Dean suddenly pressed. **_He's at the entrance._** _How do you know that?_

Cas was silent as he continued on down the halls. _Cas?! What happened?!_ Dean's fear was escalating with each step.

They finally reach the library and run through it to see Sam fallen on the stairs. Dean sees blood.

 _No, God please no!_ Dean can't tell if his thoughts are channeling to Cas, but he was starting to panic and he didn't necessarily want Cas to know what he was feeling at the moment.

He bent down to pick up Sam, a hand behind his back and the other under his legs. Although Sam was bigger than Cas at the moment, he lifted him with ease.

Heat and rage could once again be felt getting closer.

They strode through the door above the stairs, and rushed to get outside of the warding that surrounded the building.

Closer and closer, the air was crackling like lightening. Now Dean could sense Cas's panic and for the first time he felt that Cas was scared. He didn't know why it surprised him, considering that an archangel was on their heels, but he guessed he had always thought of Cas as the fearless warrior.

Four more steps…

Two more steps…

One more step…

Another bang alerted them that Lucifer was only a few feet behind them.

Cas stepped over the warding spun around to see exactly how close the archangel was.

He wasn't more than six feet in front of them. Cas gasped in surprise as Lucifer lunged forward to grab them, anger visibly red in his eyes.

Then the world spun and Dean felt himself lifted off his feet. He knew it couldn't have been more than a second, but it felt like an eternity floating in the space between dimensions.

Then his feet hit solid ground and Dean felt himself wobble as his body tried to compensate with the weight of Sam's body. Then he realized that he was panting.

 _Cas, are you okay?_ There was a pause before he answered.

 ** _Yes. I'm fine. I'm just still recovering._**

From what Dean didn't know and he didn't ask. They were in a forest in God knows where. And Sam was lying on a pile of leaves.

 _Is he - ?_ Dean didn't want to think about it.

 ** _No._**

Relief flooded him as Cas stretched out Dean's hand to rest two fingers to his brother's forehead.

Sam's eyes flew opened and he took in a sharp breath of air. The blood that had been on him was gone and his eyes were clear.

He looked around wildly before meeting his brother's green eyes.

"Dean!" He said, but then his brow furrowed as he continued to look at his brother.

It hurt a little as Dean saw Sam's expression change when he recognized that it wasn't him.

"Cas?" His surprise was evident in his voice.

"Hello Sam."

God, it felt weird that it was his voice speaking!

And he could see Sam's utter confusion. He had so many questions, he could tell by his expression.

"How – Why?"

"I no longer had a vessel. And Dean offered." It was short and brief, vague.

A few more seconds of starring before one of them spoke again.

"We should go. Maybe there is a hotel nearby." Cas said, "I think there is one a couple miles from here."

"Where is here – Dea – sorry, Cas?"

"We are in the red wood forests in California. I thought it would be a good idea to get as far away from Kansas as possible."

Sam merely nodded and Cas raised his hand again. "Wait Cas." The angel paused. "What happened, please tell me."

He sighed and lowered his hand. Dean felt how Cas stood up straighter than he usually did, and tilted his head in a way Dean never would.

"And how am I not dead?"

Cas starred at Sam and Sam fidgeted under the stare of his brother's green eyes.

"When Dean ran, Lucifer planned on killing you then and there Sam. He was going to with a snap of his fingers, but… I didn't let him. So he threw against the stairs instead and you were knocked unconscious."

"Thanks…" Sam said silently.

"After that Lucifer went after your brother. He found him and… he was very angry. I was trying to stop him, but as you know Sam it is hard to resist Lucifer. But I was eventually able to keep him away but Lucifer was very persistent. We both fought to keep control and it was becoming too much for my vessel. So I left and dragged Lucifer with me."

Sam continued to listen quietly and Cas went on.

"Then your brother ran, I told him to, but he insisted I come to him. When I got there he demanded that I –that I use him as my vessel. He said that way we could help us both escape easier. And indeed it did. But Lucifer must have returned to my old vessel and he came after us. I managed to get away and I came to get you Sam. From there I went outside of the bunker's warding and took us here."

"How is he?"

"Your brother is fine, he is very relieved that you are alive."

Sam gave a small smile, "Well tell him thank you."

"He hears you." Sam stood in silence another moment before asking another question.

"Cas, how long will Dean be your vessel?"

Dean's face fell as Cas refused to meet Sam's eyes.

"I don't know…"

"Okay…well let's go get a hotel room. We can figure things out in the morning."

Cas nodded and placed Dean's hand on Sam's shoulder. The world spun again but this time they landed in a motel parking lot. It was night time and the road was empty.

"I'll go get us a room." Sam walked off to the front of the building, leaving Cas and Dean alone in the lot.

 _Cas…_

 ** _Yes, Dean…_**

 _How are you gonna find another vessel?_

 ** _…_**

 _Just be honest with me Cas…_

 ** _It will be hard to find another vessel that can contain me, not many can. You are the vessel of Michael, you are strong enough to hold me. It will be difficult to find an adequate vessel, let alone a willing vessel._**

That was what Dean was afraid of.

 ** _And I would have to be careful; I am not liked by other angels, Dean. If I am spotted I doubt it would end well for me._**

Dean didn't know what to think. He didn't want to be stuck like this. The only reason he had even considered this was because he trusted Cas not to throw him around like a rag doll. But he didn't think he'd be comfortable with having Cas in him for a long period of time. Cas could possibly read his thoughts, and he didn't like not having control of himself.

Dean must've been silent for too long as Cas said,

 ** _I don't have to stay, Dean. I can leave if you want me to. I won't force you to do anything, Dean, especially this._**

 _But then you won't have a vessel…_

 ** _Yes…_**

He couldn't abandon Cas, leave him vulnerable and without a vessel. Last time he had made Cas leave, he had got himself killed.

 _No Cas. We're not leaving you again, okay. We'll figure this out._

 ** _…_**

Dean could feel doubt filling his mind and he didn't know if it was his or Cas's.

 _Cas…_

 ** _Yes…_**

 _Why did you do it?_

Cas was silent.

 _Cas, why did you say yes?_

 ** _…_**

 _Please, man._

 ** _I don't want to talk about it, Dean…_**

 _Fine…_

Sam came back and unlocked the door to their room. They had nothing to bring in as the Impala was still at the bunker.

Sam crashed on his bed as soon as they walked in.

"I'm going to bed and you can do whatever angel's do. And tell Dean goodnight…"

Sam was out within minutes. Dean knew that Sam wanted to talk to him, to ask why, but they were all tired and Sam was still getting used to this new set up.

 _So how does this work, do I just keep to myself all night or…_

 ** _You can sleep if you want, Dean._**

 _How?_

 ** _I can make you sleep if you'd like._**

 _…_ _Okay, just don't do anything weird while I'm out…_

 ** _I promise, Dean._**

 _Okay…goodnight, Cas…_

 ** _Goodnight, Dean…_**

Dean thoughts continued to trail on, thinking about how weird this was and what they were going to do.

He felt the soft push of drowsiness in his mind, that he knew was coming from Cas. He was grateful; his thoughts started to dim as his consciousness began to darken, until he fell into an unnatural sleep. His mind was filled with peaceful dreams, something he hadn't had in a long time and he rested throughout the night, comforted by the grace of the angel in his mind.


	2. Planning

When Dean wakes up in the morning, he finds himself starring at a bright computer screen. He is confused at first until he remembers what had happened.

 ** _Hello Dean._**

 _Hi Cas._

 ** _Did you sleep well?_**

 _Hhmm…_ Dean grins silently, _Yes Cas, thank you._

Dean begins to focus at what Cas had been looking at and sees in the search bar "lucifer the pit".

 _You think your gonna find anything useful 'bout him on the internet?_

 ** _I don't know, but I might as well try._**

Then Dean hears footsteps and Cas turns his head to let him see Sam walk across the room.

Sam glances up at him briefly before averting his eyes to his own laptop on the counter. Dean can see the discomfort and sense his awkwardness. Sam was purposefully not looking at him.

He knew it was merely because of the situation he was in but still…

 _So are you guys looking for anything specific? Maybe I can help._

 ** _We are trying to see if there is anything about the Cage and maybe a way to put Lucifer back in it._**

 _I hate to break it ya buddy, but I'm pretty sure you're not gonna find anything on the web. That stuff would be in a prebiblical book or something. And anything like that would be at the bunker._

Dean felt Cas sigh internally, though it was more like a wave of disappointment against his mind.

 _You got any other ideas?_

 ** _Nothing right now._**

Cas closed the laptop and rose from his spot at the table.

Dean saw that he was still wearing the same green jacket and dark blue shirt from yesterday as Cas strode over to Sam.

"Have you found anything Sam?" Sam jumped slightly when he looked over his shoulder.

"No, nothing."

 _How long have you guys been up?_

 ** _I've been here all night. Sam got up at 6:30._**

 _What time is it now?_

 ** _9 o'clock._**

 _Wow. Tell Sam to take a break would ya. He looks like he could use another coffee._

This time it was Cas that smiled.

 ** _Of course Dean._**

"Dean thinks you should have another coffee. Would you like me to make you some?"

Sam looks up, "Ya that's sounds nice, thanks Cas." Sam drags a hand across his tired face, catching the stubble that had grown out in the past few days.

"I'll be right back." He gets up and heads to the bathroom as Cas starts to make the coffee.

 _I didn't know you could make coffee Cas?_

 ** _I learned._**

 _When did you learn to make coffee?_

There was a pause.

 ** _When I lost my grace and worked at the store, one of my jobs was to make coffee for my employees._**

 _Oh._

Dean knew it was his fault that Cas had had to find a living for himself, a way to eat and survive. He had been so new to it all. Human emotions, human needs, human interaction. And Dean hadn't been there to help him. He felt guilty, he really did, but it was in the past now and he wouldn't make the same mistake again.

Sam came back from the bathroom, fully shaved and gratefully took the warm coffee.

That's when Dean remembers that he hadn't shaved in a while either.

But he didn't dare ask. For the first time Dean can remember, he actually felt self- conscious.

He was fine when it was just him shaving but he didn't know how he felt about someone else watching.

Now that he thought about it, there were a lot of things that he would have problems doing with Cas always around. What about brushing his teeth, using the bathroom, showering, the basics?

He couldn't believe that he was actually feeling embarrassed, he could almost feel the burn in his cheeks although it was Cas controlling his body.

The feeling must have been very strong and Cas stopped what he was doing.

 ** _Is something wrong Dean?_**

 _It's okay, it's nothing Cas._

 ** _Dean…_**

 _It's just…you know that humans have certain needs right?_

Cas seemed to catch on.

 ** _It's okay. With my grace you don't need to perform your usual necessary functions. As long as I'm here, your body will function without the need for any extra activities._**

Well at least that was a relief. But Dean wanted to know exactly what he did need to worry about.

 _Does that include, like hygiene too Cas?_

He felt weird asking this of Cas, but he needed to.

Then Dean felt embarrassment arise from Cas's mind.

 ** _No Dean. Sorry._**

This time Dean really did feel his cheeks turn red and he fidgeted as he leaned on the white tiled ledge.

"You okay there?" Sam was staring at him from across the counter, a curious expression on his face.

"Yes I'm fine." Sam narrowed his eyes slightly before shaking his head and focusing on his coffee again.

 _Hey Cas, is there a way, maybe that you can hand over the reins and let me take over?_

 ** _Yes Dean, I can do that._**

 _And can you, give me some privacy maybe and you know, not see what I'm seeing?_

 ** _Yes._**

Dean felt even more relieved, though still a little uncomfortable.

 _Then could I maybe…?_

 ** _Of course Dean._**

Cas walked to the bathroom and closed the door behind him, facing the mirror.

 ** _Ready Dean?_**

 _Ya._

The little unnatural warmth that had been under his skin suddenly began to recede. It came to rest in what seemed to be the back of his head, flowing like a stream through his veins. When all of the warm glow had retreated, Dean felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off of him. His shoulders sagged forward suddenly and he took in a sharp breath of air.

He continued his heavy breathing, leaning against the sink for a minute before it evened out and he looked up into the mirror.

He saw his face, mouth slightly open and his green eyes staring back at him. _His_ eyes.

He raised his hand to look at it. He could move his hand. Now he flexed his fingers and he felt joy at being able to move freely again.

 _You still there Cas?_

 ** _Yes Dean._**

 _Can you see this?_

Dean chuckled to himself as he raised his middle finger.

 ** _No Dean. I cannot see or feel what you do. Just like I promised._**

He kept smiling as he began to take off his jacket and shirt. He turned on the hot water and waited for it to reach the right temperature.

He was still very cautious as he showered, trying his best to hide his thoughts especially when he began cleaning the lower areas. He made sure to never look down and tried to finish as soon as possible. Although he knew Cas wasn't watching, he still felt self–conscious.

He got out and put his clothes back on before leaving the bathroom.

 _Hey Cas, is it okay if I talk to Sammy for a little while._

 ** _Whatever you want Dean._**

Dean walked out of the bathroom, feeling better now that he was clean and could move of his own accord.

"Hey Sammy."

Sam turned around and looked at him, confused.

"Dean? How did you - ?"

"A little favor from Cas. Apparently he doesn't need to be in the front seat all the time."

"You took a shower." It was a mere statement but Dean could sense the undertone of it.

"Was Cas…?"

"Oh no, God no! He just – whatever, we figured it out alright." Dean felt himself blush again for the third time today. "Don't be such a perv."

This would take quite some time to get used to.

He sighed, "Are you all good Sammy."

Sam blinked up at him, "Ya Dean, why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know maybe because Lucifer tried to kill you again and beat us both up pretty good, just a guess."

Sam's mouth twitched downward for a second and he focused his eyes on his computer again.

"Yes Dean I'm fine."

Dean didn't push him. He knew that his brother would tell him in his own time.

 _Hey Cas, you can look now buddy._

Dean felt the warmth return to him, but not in full intensity. He realized that it was because Cas was still letting him keep control.

 _Thanks._

 ** _You're welcome._**

"I don't think we're gonna have any luck on the internet. You wanna go to a library and see if they have anything there?" Dean suggested.

"That's a little risky Dean, considering that we only have our blades with us. And we don't have the impala; we'd have to walk there."

Dean let out a groan, "She better be oaky when we get back or I swear I'll kill something!"

"What do you mean, you kill things all the time Dean."

Dean paused and then shrugged, "Whatever."

"Well who can we call? Jody?"

"Ghostbusters?" Dean had a smug face as he laughed at his own joke. Sam didn't appreciate it and just gave him a heated glare.

"Oh fine, you're no fun." Dean dug into his pant pocket for his phone and pulled it out to scroll through his contacts.

"The only really useful person we can call right now is Crowley. And this concerns him too so it kinda makes sense to tell him."

Dean knew that his brother, Cas, and himself weren't fond of Crowley, but none of them could say that he had never been useful.

"Fine. Call Crowley. I'm welcome to anything at this point." Sam leaned back and relaxed in his wooden chair.

Dean hit the contact number 666 and waited for the demon's voice on the other end. It rang for a minute before it finally went to voicemail.

"Crowley, we have some info you might want to know about. Call back." Dean clicked the end call button and returned his phone to his pocket.

 ** _He won't answer._**

Dean furrowed his brow in confusion.

 _Why not Cas?_

 ** _Because he's trapped in Hell._**

 _When did this happen?!_

 ** _After you and Sam left, I – Lucifer went back and took back control of Hell and locked up Crowley as well. It wasn't pleasant. Rowena is dead too._**

 _The hell Cas! Why didn't you tell me this earlier!_

 ** _You and Sam were both tired, I was not going to add more to your worry._**

"Are you okay Dean, you've been staring at the wall."

"What? I'm fine, it's just Cas is telling me something. Be quiet."

 _Where in Hell is he Cas?_

 ** _He is locked in a cage by the main thrown room. I guess Lucifer liked the irony of it._**

"Dean, what is it?" Dean finally looked up.

"Crowley's stuck in Hell. Apparently Lucifer took back the throne once he had gotten free."

"Well he can't help us then in there, and we can't just go get him."

"Ya maybe we should just leave him, the douche that he is. But who else would be able to help?"

"Rowena was supposed to put Lucifer back in the Cage, maybe she can do it again if we find her."

"She's dead Sammy, Lucifer killed her."

"Wow. Okay, we have almost nothing to work with then."

"This also means we are gonna have to be more cautious in the open. Now all the demons will be watching for us.

 ** _And the angels._**

"And the angels," Dean repeated.

Sam rubbed his face again with his hand, taking a long deep breath.

"Okay, well maybe there is someone else; we just need to look for them. And maybe now we can focus on our other problem first. Cas we need to find you a vessel."

"Sam I know you're just trying to help me out, but no offense - to you or Cas, but I don't think that's our first priority. We now have Amara and Lucifer out there, wherever they are. And God knows what they're doing."

Sam was silent for a while and sighed.

"Has there been anything on Amara?" Dean came over closer and sat down next to Sam.

"No. It's been radio silent for the past couple weeks. She's keeping a low profile."

Dean drummed his fingers on the counter as he thought. This was frustrating, how are they supposed to defeat the Darkness if they couldn't find her? So far, most of the times they had seen her was because she wanted to be found. Even then, he had never been able to defeat her.

He didn't understand why he could never do it. Every time he had had the chance to kill her, he would freeze. It was like an invisible barrier keeping him from taking action. And then she would talk to him, and those venomous words would always break him, steal his will to fight.

And now people were dying, if that was the way to put it. He didn't really know what else to call having your soul sucked out of you.

But it was his weakness with Amara that had gotten them in this mess. That was what made Sam go and try and talk to Lucifer. If only he could've been stronger.

 ** _It wasn't your fault Dean._**

Dean almost jumped out of his seat. He kept forgetting that if he wasn't careful, Cas would hear his thoughts.

He didn't know what to say.

 ** _It's not your fault that you can't defeat Amara. She is the sister of God, do you really think it's your weakness that restraining you and not her?_**

Sam had said the same thing only a couple weeks ago, after that witch hunt with the Qareen. Both of them knew that he could do nothing to stop her and he had no control over that. Then why was he the only one that thought differently?

He wasn't going to lie to himself, he was afraid. What if Sam and Cas are endanger and he can't do anything because of his "weakness"? If they died because he just stood there and watched, he would never forgive himself.

There were so many what if's, so many uncertainties. He could sit and wallow in them all day. But he didn't want to think about them, he wanted to clear his mind and not stress about the world for once.

Usually he would go take a drive in the impala when he was in this kind of mood, but that wasn't an option right now.

 _It's complicated Cas…_

 ** _No it's not Dean, you were the one who set her free and that has made her grow attached to you. You were the first person she saw after spending millennia alone. She is bound to feel grateful to you in some way; she just wants you to feel the same._**

 _…_

 ** _It's like the Mark, Dean. You have no control over it. And considering that it was Amara that influenced the Mark, I'd think you'd understand the kind of power she can hold over people._**

 _Well it makes sense when you put it that way._

 ** _…_**

 _Can you think of anything that might help us find her or Lucifer._

 ** _I'm pretty sure there are several demons that know about Lucifer. He was very loud when he made his appearance; one of them ought to know something._**

 _I think we should go into town first, see what's around. I know it's risky but I think it's necessary. And I'm gonna have to steal a car so we can all get around. Do you mind if I stay me for a little while?_

 ** _That's fine Dean. I'll just keep an eye out for anything you might miss._**

 _Thanks Cas._

"Well I think we should go into town Sammy. See what's around, maybe buy some supplies." Dean got up to go grab his blade lying on the table.

"Okay Dean, just give me a minute."

"And Cas says he'll keep an eye out so if we run into anything he'll warn us."

Sam nods as he continues to type into his computer a while longer before getting up and closing it.

"Okay, let's go."

The brothers got to the town without any problems. The car they stole had been easy to get, parked in an old shed, hidden across the street. It was an old black truck, a little beat up and rusted, but it sufficed.

They drove no more than fifteen minutes to get to a populated area. The town was small with only a couple little run down stores and restaurants.

"Hey Sammy, why don't you go get some supplies and I'll start looking around for a library."

"Okay Dean. Be careful."

Sam and Dean walked off in different directions.

Dean continued to stroll through the town, looking for anything that might be useful. He searched until noon before he finally found something.

It was a bookstore. Apparently he had missed it his first time around.

As he walked in a small bell rang and a blonde young woman smiled at him from behind a dark wooden desk.

"Hello, how may I help you?"

"Oh, I'm just gonna look around." Dean smiled back at her.

"Okay, just ask me if you need anything" She gave a quick nervous grin before turning around to organize some books behind her.

 _What's her problem?_

 ** _I don't know. Maybe she's not used to having many visitors._**

Dean put the thought aside as he slowly walked through the shelves of books. The store was actually bigger than it looked. The smooth red wood seemed endless as it receded into the back of the building.

He picked through them until he finally reached the back.

He sighed,

 _I don't think there's anything here._

 ** _We'll just have to try somewhere else._**

He strode to the exit door across from him and tried to turn the handle.

It was locked.

Dean tried again. It wouldn't budge. He furrowed his brow and started to look around.

 _Cas, why would someone lock up their store in the middle of the day?_

 ** _Dean, look to your right._**

He turned quickly but saw nothing there.

 _What are you talking about Cas?_

 ** _Look down._**

Dean did as he was told and saw a red streak across the bottom book shelf. The color of the wood had made it less obvious, but now he could see the blood dragged across it by desperate fingertips.

He tensed as he slowly looked around for any more signs. There wasn't, whoever did it must've just missed a spot.

He turned back around to walk back up to the woman at the desk.

 ** _Dean, let me take over. I can do this easily._**

 _No Cas, I can fight for myself, alright!_

He approached her in his calmest manner.

"Excuse me, I was just wondering if you knew that your door back there is locked." He gave her his cheekiest smile as she sat and stared at him.

She was obviously caught by surprise and began to stammer as she spoke.

"Oh – Oh I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I must have forgotten to unlock it this morning."

She refused to look at him as she got up and started toward the door. Dean stayed close behind her, his hand resting in his pocket near his blade.

She seemed to be deliberately slow as she pulled out her key and began putting it in the door knob.

 ** _Dean!_**

 _What Cas?_

 ** _Demons._**

Dean was about to spin around, weapon drawn when he felt the glow under his skin intensify. His eyes flashed blue and he could no longer move.

 _Cas!_

His body swung around without his instruction and he once again felt useless.

There were three demons, waiting ten feet behind him. They had been sneaking towards him to catch him off guard.

When they saw him, Dean saw their eyes widen. They had been expecting him, but not the angel.

Their surprise lasted too long and Cas dashed forward and stabbed the first demon before he could even move.

The other two moved forward and began to set themselves on opposite sides of the room, leaving Cas in the middle.

"You think you can take me without any weapons?"

It was then Dean noticed that they had their fists raised and looked extremely nervous.

Dean felt Cas smile at their obvious stupidity before raising his hand and snapping his fingers.

The demon to his left screamed before falling to ashes on the floor, leaving the other one standing awkwardly by the desk.

He kept his hand raised as he slowly approached the demon.

It didn't move as he came closer.

"Exactly what was this supposed to accomplish?"

The demon began to sweat and tried its best not to make eye contact.

Cas started to play with his fingers, threatening to extinguish him as he had his friend.

The demon immediately responded, "We – We were ordered to capture the Winchesters, if we ever came across them."

That was no big surprise.

"And who ordered this?"

"Lucifer, the angel that you escaped."

"Do you know where Lucifer is?" Cas blinked slowly.

The demon hesitated again before speaking, "I'm dead either way, why should I tell you?"

"Well your right about that, but if he finds out that you failed to capture the Winchesters, I doubt he will be pleased."

It swallowed before continuing, "I don't know, he doesn't tell us of his whereabouts, only what to do."

"How about Crowley?"

"He's getting what he deserves, now that he's Lucifer's favorite toy."

"Is there anyone that knows anything about the Cage."

The demon snarled at that. "Why don't you go sit on your cloud and play music. Leave us alone for once!"

He was slammed against the desk as Cas threw him down, scattering piles of paper.

The demon's eyes flicked black and he spit at Cas's face. The angel wiped the saliva away with the back of his hand before landing it in the demon's face.

"Anything you'd like to share?"

It hissed and bared its teeth as it struggled.

Cas lifted his blade and began to carve several lines down the demon's chest. The loud hissing turned into cries of pain as blood welled unto the desk.

He continued to draw into its flesh until it finally started to sputter out pleas for mercy.

"Wait – Wait! The book, the book, there was a book!"

"What book?"

"The Book of the Damned, he has it - Lucifer! He uses it to punish us if we don't do as he says! I don't know everything that's in it, but I know that that witch used it before she died!" The demon gasped for breath as the words bubbled from its mouth.

"How do you know about Rowena?"

"He – He hung her body, as a warning to any that try to open the Cage! And – And he showed us the book! He said that if any of us tried to read it, he'd damn us for eternity!"

Cas glared at him and lowered the blade to cut into him again.

"That's all I know about the Cage, I swear!"

Cas looked him over one more time before pressing his palm to the demon's forehead.

Dean felt the energy burning through his hand as the demon let out a final scream and went limp against the wood.

Cas turned and in an instant was towering over the girl who was now huddled in a corner.

Tears stained her cheeks as she looked up at him.

"I – I'm sorry! They – They had my family! They would've killed them if I hadn't – hadn't…"

She buried her face in her knees and continued to weep bitterly on the floor.

Cas sighed, "It's okay. They are dead; your family is safe now. You may go to them. They are locked in the back I believe."

"You – You're not going to kill me?"

"No."

Then he crouched down to lay two fingers against her head and she slumped to the floor.

 _What did you do Cas?_

 ** _When she wakes up, she will think that it was just some robbers that took her family hostage and that it was just a couple civilians that saved her and her family. She won't remember the demons. She won't remember us._**

Castiel straightened up and went to go through the door.

 _Wait! Cas._

 ** _What Dean?_**

 _What the hell was that! I could've taken those demons down just fine on my own!_

 ** _Dean, I was just trying to help._**

 _No! You don't just take over like that without me giving the okay! You got me!_

 ** _…_**

 _No more sudden mojoing your way into the front seat, alright._

 ** _Okay Dean._**

Dean could feel Cas's irritation rub up against his thoughts and he sighed internally.

 _Only if it's an absolute emergency, okay man. Even so, warn me beforehand._

There was an affirmative push in his mind which he took as an "okay."

He then again felt the drain of energy in his limbs and he stumbled forward a bit before stabling himself.

 _Thanks._

 ** _Your welcome._**

 _We should go talk to Sam. I don't like the idea of Lucifer having the Book of the Damned._

 ** _Agreed._**

Dean walked out of the store, still a little dazed from his sudden transition. He pulled out his phone and quickly pressed the dial button. It only rang for a couple seconds before picking up.

"Is everything okay Dean?"

"Sam, get back to the car. I'll meet you there. We're going back to the hotel."

"Why? What happened?"

"Demons. They're dead, but I don't know if there's any more around."

"Okay, got it." There was a click and the call ended.

Dean continued walking and kept a look out for any more suspicious characters.

There weren't any and he reached the car without a problem.

Sam was there waiting for him.

"You got the supplies?" Dean asked.

"Ya, I've got salt, iron, guns... I think we're all set."

"Good. I need to tell you something when we get back.

"That's no good news." Sam crossed his arms and leaned against the counter.

"I know. If the book is powerful enough to open the Cage and remove the Mark, imagine what else it could do. If Lucifer knows how to use it, he might be a bigger problem than Amara."

"But Dean...what if, I don't know..."

He squirmed a little before going on.

"Maybe he's actually trying to defeat Amara."

Dean looked at his brother pointedly and Sam fidgeted under his stare.

"Even if he really is trying to stop her, what will he do after - if he defeats her? He is Lucifer after all Sammy."

Sam looked down and sighed.

"Ya, you're right..."

Dean dragged his hand across his face.

"Well how are we gonna fix this?"

"The only thing I can think of is getting the book back. But I don't know how we'd do that."

 ** _I can help._**

Dean tensed for a second before relaxing.

He kept forgetting Cas was in his head.

"You okay Dean?"

"Huh? - Oh ya, it's just - Cas."

"Oh..." Sam looked away again and played with his fingers.

Dean furrowed his brow in concentration.

 _How Cas?_

 ** _I can take you both to Hell. It will be hard but I can do it._**

Dean hesitated. He never wanted to go to that place ever again, and he's sure Sam wouldn't either.

"Cas says he could take us downstairs...if that's what we decide."

Sam's face hardened.

"Can't we get it any other way?"

 ** _The book is protected by several spells. We can't summon it here or pin point its location properly, it would be impossible, even for me._**

Dean conveyed the information to Sam, whose frown only deepened.

"Are we sure we want to do this?"

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath.

"We can't let Lucifer use the book...but, I don't know, we just got back from Hell and now we're considering going back again."

"We could wait Dean, see if he does anything first. He may not have anything planned yet."

"Ya," Dean laughed, "There's some hopeful thinking. If he doesn't strike now, he will later. We're gonna have to deal with it one way or another."

"But is this smart Dean?"

Dean paused. He knew this was completely reckless and could get all of them killed.

 ** _Dean, when I was in Hell, with Lucifer, he kept most of his thoughts hidden from me. But when he found the book, I was positive he didn't have good intentions._**

Dean sighed.

"So I guess we're doing this."

"We are?" Sam looked at him, concerned.

"Cas says that when he was with Lucifer he felt that he had ill intent for the book."

Sam stayed quite as he slowly stood up.

"Okay. If you think this is the right thing to do Dean, than I'm with you."

Dean could feel his heart beat quicken even at the thought of actually following through with it. But it must be done. It was just one of the things he had to do. He just prayed that it wouldn't go terribly wrong.

 _You sure you can do this Cas?_

 ** _It will drain me, but yes. I can do it._**

He continued to think and doubt in silence a little longer before he finally gave a shaky laugh.

"Well it seems that we're going to Hell…again…"


	3. To Hell

Dean could feel nervousness eating away at him as he waited for Sam to return with the spell ingredients.

He played with his angel blade, twirling it with his fingers and leaving scratches on the hotel table.

He was trying not to focus on his dread, but his thoughts kept trailing off and he couldn't stop thinking about everything that could go wrong.

He wanted to calm down. Usually he was able to put on a poker face and deal with it. But Cas was in his head, and he was sure his friend could feel anxiety rolling off of him like waves.

If he did, he wasn't saying anything. He seemed content to reside in silence at the back of Dean's mind.

For some reason, he found this silence very discomforting.

 _Cas, you sure you can do this?_

 ** _Yes. The spell should help me take us there safely. It will temporarily increase the power of my grace._**

 _How long will it last?_

 ** _A few hours, so you only have till then to get the book. Even so, I won't be able to help much once we're there. Going to Hell is extremely taxing on my grace. I will only be able to get you in and get you out._**

 _Then how did you do it last time?_

 ** _With Sam, I had Crowley's help. With you, I had a group of angels and we didn't teleport directly there._**

 _What do you mean?_

 ** _We ripped through the dimensional wall from the other side. There are walls around all dimensions and we travel through the spaces between them. It's like a stream of sorts. It's a difficult concept to explain to humans._**

Dean just nodded to himself and let the subject be. But to his utter frustration, his anxiety began to return and form a knot in his stomach.

 ** _Are you okay Dean?_**

Shit! Dean reprimanded himself for letting his emotions get the better of him. He tried to play it cool in order to save himself from the mushy emotional talk.

 _I'm fine Cas, I'm just worried when Sam is gone too long._

It was the truth, but not the whole truth.

 ** _No you're not fine Dean. You've been giving off waves of stress for at least the last hour._**

Damn! He had noticed.

 _Sorry man._

 ** _For what?_**

 _You don't need to be stressed out because I can't keep it together. You don't need that sort of distraction._

 ** _Dean, you're not a burden. This is normal. Do you think you are the only one who is worried about this mission?_**

 _But you guys can keep your cool. I'm just...never mind Cas. It's not important._

 ** _Dean let me help you._**

 _It's okay, I'm good._

 ** _Please, let me help._**

Dean sighed.

 _How? How can you help me Cas?_

Dean could sense a small ripple of embarrassment and apprehension before he felt a different kind of warmth start to flow across his mind.

His breath caught in his chest at the unexpected change. The only way he could describe it was that the feeling was getting closer somehow, wrapping around his being in a blanket of comfort.

The warmth continued to cover him and smothered his anxious thoughts, forcing him into a peaceful daydream.

His shoulders slumped forward as he relaxed and let out a sigh of relief.

 _What did you do Cas?_

 ** _It's hard to explain._**

He could still sense awkwardness even though he himself was now calm.

 _I've got time._

He was curious now. Why was Cas so nervous?

 ** _I'm just trying to help and I know you don't really like contact Dean, but…_**

Various thoughts shot across Dean's mind and he started to go red in the face. He quickly tried to banish them.

That was not what he meant! Damnit Dean! Why must you make everything into an innuendo!

 _What are you doing Cas?..._

 ** _It's your soul; I'm sort of wrapped around it…_**

A look of confusion crossed Dean's face as he comprehended that information.

 _What so you're giving me an angel hug?_

 ** _If you want to think of it that way…_**

Now Dean understood his concern. No, Dean usually wasn't comfortable with any physical or emotional comfort and being near his soul was pretty much as close as you could get.

He felt himself blush again. Ya, that was kind of weird. And the fact that he couldn't really see it happening or do anything about it made him even more uncomfortable. I mean he appreciated Cas's effort, but he wasn't quite sure how to feel about it.

 _…Um, ya Cas… I appreciate it man, really…but um…it's a bit….a little too close…_

The warmth receded a little as he spoke, and was replaced by a cold disappointment.

 ** _Sorry Dean…_**

Damn, now he felt guilty.

Dean felt Cas move away and the feeling almost completely vanished. Now it only brushed against him softly, not nearly as comforting as it had been. He kind of missed it.

His thoughts began to return to what was to come and so did his anxiety. He was still calmer than before but he internally cursed himself for turning down Cas's offer.

He knew he should apologize; Cas was just trying to help him. But now wasn't the time and Cas would understand anyway.

There was a knock on the door and he got up to go look through the peep hole before opening it.

Sam walked in, arms full of all sorts of different items, from bowls and candles to stones and spices.

He huffed and laid them down on the table, glad to be rid of the heavy load.

"So are you two ready?"

"Ya, we're good."

Sam went to go grab his journal on the bed and opened it to where he had written down the proper ritual. Cas had told him it earlier.

He kept his face downward as he flipped through the pages, occasionally glancing up to look at Dean with a hard expression.

"Somethin' wrong Sam?"

Sam sighed as he met Dean's eyes.

He looked down again before replying, "You sure about this?"

Dean rolled his eyes at Sam and began pacing in a circle.

"We've already been over this a million times Sam. I'm fine, let's do this."

"It's just, you know the book won't work without the codex and we don't even know if he can read that. Only Charlie and Rowena had a way to translate the codex."

"He's Lucifer Sammy, I'm pretty sure he'll be able to read it."

 ** _Lucifer did get the codex and the book, Rowena had them with her when she opened the Cage, though I don't know if he can read it._**

 _I'm not taking any risks Cas, we go get the book and bring it back here, alright._

"Cas says that he does have the codex. Even if he can't read it now Sam, he'll find a way. It's powerful and he knows it."

"Alright, fine," Sam muttered, "We just have to be careful. I'm pretty sure Hell will find out really quick that we're there if there's any sort of disruptions."

"Okay. Are we done? Because I'd rather get this over with." Dean shook himself to try and calm down again.

Sam silently began to lay out the materials in the needed pattern; three dark candles in an upside-down triangle, connected by seven blue stones.

 _Hey Cas, if this spell boosts your power, why haven't you used it before?_

Cas paused before answering.

 ** _I'd never thought about it..._**

The glow under Dean's skin grew colder and hardened. He could feel that something was off about that statement.

He pushed his curiosity towards Cas, but the angel didn't react. The emotion merely reflected back at him as Cas refused to respond.

He frowned and began to feel frustrated at Cas for shutting him out.

 _Fine Cas._

He sounded angry even in his own mind.

 _Are you ready?_

 ** _Whenever you are._**

"Okay Sam. We're ready."

Sam turned to the correct page in his journal and began to recite the incantation.

"Ego potentiam angelus Castiel. Da mihi virtutem angelo sancto dederit tibi Dominus Deus noster."

Sam struck a match and lit the first candle as he finished his part of the spell.

Then he nodded at Dean, "Your turn," and handed the journal to his older brother.

Dean began to repeat the same phrase as Sam gave him another match.

"Ego potentiam angelus Castiel. Da mihi virtutem angelo sancto dederit tibi Dominus Deus noster."

The second candle was lit and Dean became confused what to do next. Then he heard the voice in his head.

 ** _Dean, I need to do this next part._**

Dean swallowed as he prepared to once again be trapped in his own body.

 _Okay. Do it._

Cas's grace flowed through him as he took control, flashing in his eyes and straightening his posture.

He saw himself set down the journal and begin to pull out his blade.

Dean felt a flicker of panic before it was immediately smothered by Cas's reassurance.

 ** _It's okay Dean, it won't hurt that much. I just need to cut a little._**

 _It's an angel blade Cas, it's not me I'm worried about. Only cut what you need, I don't need ya bleeding out on me._

Dean could almost feel Cas's eye roll.

 ** _I know how to do this Dean. I need the angel blade because I need part of me for this ritual. Not you, me, and I can only do that with this blade._**

Cas raised his hand and dragged the weapon slowly across the soft skin. The blood began to drip down his hand and he knelt down to draw the needed sigil on the floor.

"Qui do sanctum dignis invocaveris."

He traced a downward arc before looping it up and back down through the middle of the curve, continuing it in a slanted line. And lastly he drew two parallel lines passing through the slanted red mark.

The blood began to glow blue as he finished the incantation.

"Crede mihi, faciam tibi daturus sum eam."

The last candle was struck alight and there was a loud bang as the lights in the room broke and sparks flew through the air.

Dean suddenly felt his body begin to drain of energy and he started to slide to the floor.

Sam rushed over to catch him before he hit the ground.

"Cas! Hey!" Sam shook him to keep him from closing his eyes.

His younger brother was staring at him wide eyed and Cas was staring back.

Dean saw a bright light reflected on Sam's face and he realized that his eyes must be glowing.

Then his gruff voice filled his ears as he struggled to speak.

"Sam – and Dean – I need you to think where you want to go."

"What!?" Sam had confusion written all over his face.

"You need to want to go there. Just think where you want to go."

Dean was just as confused as Sam. What was Cas talking about? He was the one who was taking them to Hell, not them.

But whatever, if Cas needed him to do this, he would do it.

He pushed a suggestion towards Cas and Cas reached out his hand to grab Sam's shoulder.

Then Dean concentrated. He needed to go to Hell. He didn't want to, but he needed to. They needed to find the book, maybe Crowley, and try and stay alive while they did it.

He focused on his memories now, all those horrible, dark memories.

Blood, fire, hurt, desire, darkness, hate.

Dean felt Cas begin to fade away into the back of his mind and he squeezed his eyes shut as the world around him began to change.

There was a nauseating spin before he felt his knees hit solid ground.

The first thing he noticed was the heat.

His skin immediately began to sweat as he opened his eyes to look around.

Sam knelt panting in front of him and he patted him on the arm before trying to stand up.

He wobbled slightly but was able to keep his balance.

There were cold stone walls on both sides of them, covered in things Dean didn't want to know about.

Above them was a dark open sky with lightening occasionally flashing close by, revealing miles of chains hung in a web across the endless abyss.

Dean shuddered as he remembered what hung on those chains.

He shook his head and looked down at Sam.

"Are you okay?"

Sam looked up dizzily, "Ya , I – I just need a minute."

Dean nodded understandingly before noticing that something was missing.

The glow under his skin was gone.

His heart began to beat faster and he allowed his worry to fill his mind.

 _Cas!?_

He pushed further to try and locate the angel, make sure he was still there.

 _CAS!_

He continued his persistent search until he finally felt a soft feather of comfort brush across his mind.

 _Cas! You scared me buddy. Don't do that!_

There was a feeble pulse in response, barely more than a whisper.

 ** _I just need some rest...some time to recharge._**

 _But Cas, what did you do? You said -_

 ** _Not now Dean. You only have so long to find the book...and the codex..._**

Dean made a mental note to ask Cas what had happened later.

"Sam, we - we need to get going. We're on a timer here."

They were both gasping for air now. The heat was stifling and dragging them down like invisible chains.

They both helped each other make their way down the wide hall.

The hall was lit by dim torches that cast hideous shadows on the walls, causing both brothers to jump occasionally.

Other than the crackle of fire and sound of distant screams, the place was eerily quiet.

They continued to walk with weapons drawn for several minutes.

Anxiety grew as the time passed by and Dean was getting restless.

"How long does this go?"

His eyes darted around, wide and shimmering in the fire light.

"I don't know, ask Cas."

Dean was reluctant but did as he was told.

 _Cas, we've been walking forever. How much longer?_

Cas was distant in his mind and his response seemed slurred and sluggish.

 ** _From what I remember...only a little while more. But watch out for the gatekeepers._**

They kept walking until they came to a corner and stopped. Sure enough, just as Cas had said, two demons stood guarding a great iron portcullis.

 _A little old fashion, aren't they?_

Dean sniggered to himself.

 ** _Look out for the hellhounds,_** Cas responded, too tired to appreciate Dean's humor.

Dean paused.

 _How are we gonna see them?_

Weariness flowed coldly through the back of his mind as the angel slowly answered.

 ** _If you trust me at all, Dean Winchester, then believe me when I tell you that you will be able to see them._**

Dean's mouth tilted downward as he tried to understand how that was possible. But like all the other questions brewing in his mind, he would ask it after they got the hell out of here.

He hardened the wall around his mind as he began to step around the corner. He didn't want to be an open book for Cas to read. He didn't need his doubts thrown at the angel.

"Dean! Wait - what are you -!"

Sam extended his arm in an attempt to stop his brother but Dean was already advancing on the demons.

He ran after his brother and went wide-eyed when he saw two massive dogs standing in front of his brother.

They were black incorporeal figures with red spheres for eyes. Each stood as tall as a man as they circled the both of them, trailing black smoke and the smell of death.

"How can we see them?" Sam huffed under his breath as he pressed his back to Dean, knife raised.

They spun together in a circle, waiting for the demons and hellhounds to attack.

"I don't know."

There was a loud bark and one of the hellhounds jumped from the ground, baring its teeth.

Dean slashed at its maw and it whimpered as the knife cut across its eye.

Dean lunged and quickly burrowed the blade into the dog's chest.

The other hound snapped at Sam and he stepped forward to meet it head on.

As Sam battled with the beast, Dean ran forward to engage with the demons.

He quickly finished off the inexperienced creatures and turned to see Sam drawing his blade out of the neck of the hellhound.

"You good?" Dean panted as he wiped the blade on his jacket.

"Yeah," Sam got up and did the same.

They opened the portcullis as quietly as they could before sneaking deeper into a dark corridor.

The keep was relatively empty, with only a few unsuspecting demons here and there. It was too easy.

Dean's stomach was knotting again and the hair rose on the back of his neck. He was getting a bad feeling and the air was growing hotter and more unbearable.

Sam gave him a knowing look.

Something wasn't right.

 _Okay Cas, we need your help now buddy. Where's the book?_

Cas slowly stirred from his temporary rest, causing a tingling in the back of Dean's mind.

 ** _Last time I saw it was in the throne room. But be careful, Lucifer is smart. I doubt he would leave it unprotected._**

 _Ya, I guessed that. Can you lead us there?_

Cas swirled lazily before the glow under Dean's skin suddenly returned.

Dean was surprised by how weak it felt, but was almost immediately taken aback when images began to flash before his eyes.

It was weird, he could still see through his own eyes but he could also see what Cas was giving him, like a screen over his vision.

"Holy shit," Dean murmured as he tried to keep on his feet. The images were disorienting and causing him to fall off balance.

"Wow, Dean!" Sam ran forward and caught his brother as he began to stagger backwards.

"Dude, are you okay?!"

Dean blinked and shook his head several times.

"Ya, just... need to get used to it. Cas showed me... where it is..."

Sam gave his brother a concerned look before helping him to his feet.

 ** _Sorry Dean..._**

 _No, it's okay Cas. You just did what I asked ya._

"Okay..." Dean stood for a minute to make sure he still had his balance.

Sam still had worry written on his face.

"I'm good..." Dean said before walking forward.

Sam just nodded and pursed his lips in a thin line.

Dean followed along the corridor, using the images Cas showed him to direct him.

They continued without interruption until they came to the door.

It was open and unguarded.

Dean took a deep breath before peeking into the room.

No one was there.

"I don't like this," Dean said as he gestured to his brother.

They began to search the room at a rapid pace, fearing that someone would come and find them.

And the room was dark. The only light source that could be seen was an ominous red glow coming from above the ornately carve chair raised on a platform, making it the center of attention.

They kept searching, rummaging through piles of books and things stacked on tables at the side of the room.

"Oh come on!" Dean was now tossing things from the table in frustration.

Then he heard a metal rattling sound to his right.

He spun around, dagger raised.

"Crowley!?"

In a cage hidden in the wall, Crowley lay with his hands and knees on a hard stone slab, bound in chains and gagged.

"What the hell?"

Both of the Winchesters rushed over to where Crowley was trapped behind bars. The King of Hell looked surprised to see them.

He grabbed the bars and began pointing to a lever on the wall.

Sam pulled it and the entrance lifted.

Crowley scrambled from the cage and vigorously tore the gag from his mouth, his chains still bound to his wrists.

"What the bloody hell are you doing here!"

"Saving your ass apparently."

Dean looked Crowley up and down. He was filthy and looked like he had had at it with a brick wall.

"Is that a Hawaiin shirt?"

Sam was giving Crowley a disgusted look and both brothers were keeping their distance.

"Lucifer was bored, bite me."

Dean and Sam looked at each other, debating what to do.

"Well? Are we just going to gaze at each other until daddy comes home?"

They paused until Sam finally gave Dean an affirmative nod.

Dean reached into his pocket and took out his lock pick.

As the chains clattered to the floor, Crowley rubbed his sore wrists.

"So, are you here to save you pet angel?"

Dean forced his face to stay emotionless.

"No, we've already done that."

"Then where is that foolish giraffe?"

Dean's mouth twitched slightly.

"Wait..."

Crowley's rough voice was calculating as he began to stare at Dean, who started to fidget uncomfortably.

"You didn't."

The demon's voice was filled with disbelief.

"I can see it, you look different Dean. I never thought you'd ever let an angel inside you. 'Must've been desperate for some penetration."

Dean's cheeks flushed red and he clenched his jaw.

He could feel Cas, as weak as he was, writhing in annoyance

"Well say hi to that idiot for me," Crowley spat.

Dean felt his temper start to rise. They were wasting time.

"Okay, talk's over. We helped you, now you help us. Where's the Book of the Damned?"

"So that's why you're here. Trying to get an edge on the Devil are we?"

"Do you know where it is or not?"

Dean was reconsidering his choice of freeing Crowley. The demon was always planning something. He was smart and knew how to manipulate people to his advantage.

Not that he didn't know how to either.

In his mind, it seemed that Crowley would benefit if Lucifer didn't have the book, and therefore he was most likely going to help. He would just have to be careful that Crowley didn't double cross them.

"Well, last time the big man was here, he took it with him. Never lets that thing out of his sight. So unless you have a way of trapping the Devil again, I doubt you could get it."

Shit.

Dean ran a hand across his face, his stress once again threatening to overwhelm him.

How the hell were they supposed to get it? Why had they even come here! This was all a stupid idea.

 ** _Dean, please calm down. It's not over, there is still a chance._**

Dean took a deep breath and sighed.

Why was he always like this?

He used to be so good at hiding his emotions, but now whenever he had any sort of discomfort, his emotions seemed raw and out of control.

Well it wasn't helping that he knew everything he felt could possibly be picked up by his best friend.

But whatever, he needed to just shove it down until later, like he always did.

He took another moment to organize his thoughts.

He didn't know what to say to Cas that wouldn't reveal how he was feeling. So he just pulsed a small ripple of gratification across his mind.

Cas excepted it and returned it with another small wave of warmth.

Dean heard a small snap to his left and he quickly looked up to realize that he must've zoned out for a minute.

Sam and Crowley were staring at him, both annoyed and confused.

Crowley had snapped his fingers as a way to get his attention.

"Are you with us squirrel? You can talk with your boyfriend later."

Dean just narrowed his eyes at him, snarling slightly.

"Shut up Crowley."

Crowley huffed and continued his conversation.

"Well, as I was saying, I don't know where the book is. However, I do happen to know the location of the codex."

He was filled with some relief by this. If they were able to get the codex, then maybe Lucifer wouldn't be able to use the book and would buy them more time.

"Where is it," Sam demanded.

The demon began to pace, scratching his beard.

"Before I show you where it is, I have one condition."

The boys glanced at each other briefly before fixing their eyes on Crowley.

"And? What is it?" Dean snapped.

"When – if – this works, and we get out of here, I get to walk free. Understood?"

"Fine," both brothers said simultaneously.

"Good."

Crowley raised his hand again and with a snap, all four of them vanished from the room.


	4. And Back Again

Dean found himself once again nauseous from the sudden distortion of reality, but he quickly recovered.

He looked left and right and found Sam next to him.

"We're here."

They looked up to see Crowley standing in front of them, his old shirt and shorts replaced by the familiar black coat and tie.

He immediately felt a difference between here and where they had just been.

It was not hot, but cold. Deathly cold. He was starting to shiver already.

Dean looked around again and this time noticed that there weren't any guards here either.

He turned to Crowley, "How come there aren't any demons here?"

"Like I've told you before Dean, no one likes Hell, not even demons. So if Lucifer didn't force them to stay, then they probably went off to do whatever. It's a pity he's destroying all of the organization of this place. Soon he'll find out the consequences."

The demon started to walk forward and the brothers saw that there was a door there.

It looked simple and inconspicuous, but they could sense the dangerous atmosphere that surrounded it.

"What's behind there?" Sam asked, his lips pursed as he examined the door.

"What do you think moose? The codex, obviously. But I must warn you..." Crowley turned to face the boys, wagging a finger, "there may be some little traps in there, so try not to touch anything."

Dean frowned. Well that was comforting.

He tightened the grip on his blade

Crowley slowly opened the door, which creaked loudly.

He stood and gestured for them to go through.

"Aren't you coming with us?" Dean asked, his distrust for the demon evident on his face.

"Of course. But I know better than to walk in without someone going before me. Ladies first?"

Dean scowled at him as he cautiously went through the door.

The room that was laid out before him was wide and dimly lit, although it was brighter than the previous room.

From the ceiling, dark chandeliers dripped red wax, giving it a bloody look.

But other than that and a few shelves, it was empty.

Dean scanned the room, looking for anything that could hide the codex.

"Where is it?"

"I don't know," Crowley replied honestly.

"You said you knew where it is," Dean turned to glare at Crowley.

"And I do. It's somewhere in here."

"Well that's helpful," Dean muttered under his breath. Then a thought occurred to him.

 _Hey Cas._

 ** _Yes Dean._**

 _You can sense enchanted objects right._

 ** _Yes... But I would only be able to feel roughly where the codex is. I cannot directly locate it._**

 _Do you...Do you have to be in control to do it?_ Dean asked tentatively.

Cas paused.

 ** _I suppose I could do it without the control of your vessel... I wouldn't be able to anyway, my grace is still fragile._**

 _Okay...well how does it work? Does it just happen or..._

He was answered by the return of an unnatural warmth under his skin, still not strong enough to overwhelm him but enough to make his breath catch in his chest.

He closed his eyes and breathed slowly through his nose. For some reason the sensation, though weird at first, made him relax and almost forget what he was doing and where he was.

But he quickly snapped back to reality, suddenly embarrassed and tried to hide the feeling so that Cas wouldn't detect it. He mentally reprimanded himself for almost letting his emotions slip.

But it did feel...nice.

When he finally opened his eyes he gave a small gasp.

"Wow…"

Everything started to waver before his eyes before he finally focused and looked in awe at his surroundings.

The room that had once seemed so plain and dull was suddenly vivid and sharp. Objects laid out on tables and the candles above his head were outlined with a pale blue glow and he could feel a coolness radiating from them in waves, like some sort of aura.

He continued to look around, fascinated by all the minute details and changes to his vision.

 _Do you always see like this Cas?_

 ** _Most of the time…Whenever my grace is at full capacity, yes. This is how I see your world Dean._**

 _Well holy crap! This is awesome!_

Dean felt a small curl of hot embarrassment and gratitude from the back of his mind when he made the compliment.

He smiled to himself, knowing that he had made Cas feel a little better.

He kept searching, careful not to touch anything that seemed enchanted. It was easier to tell because the cold coming from the item would increase and the glow would brighten around it.

Although the grace flowing through his veins were allowing him to relax, he could still feel the pressure of time slowly crushing him.

He started rushing, ignoring Sam and Crowley as they searched, looking for absolutely anything.

It was when he came to the back wall that he finally found something.

Pressed against the stone wall was a tall bookshelf filled with books and weapons. When he had laid his eyes upon it he could feel that something wasn't right.

He strode closer to it and began to sense the magic.

But it wasn't just cold, it was heavy and intoxicating, a sickening temptation.

His senses were immediately sharp an alert as he approached it cautiously.

When he got close, he found that he couldn't feel anything on the shelf but rather behind it.

"Hey, I think I found something."

Dean gestured for the other two to come over.

"Can you give me a hand with this?" he turned to Sam for help.

"Oh please, you'll hurt yourself and probably touch something you shouldn't."

Crowley merely flicked his wrist and the whole shelf slid out of the way to reveal another plain looking door.

The brothers' hands went straight for their weapons again as they prepared to open it.

"How come you couldn't find that?" Dean looked at Crowley challengingly.

"Because fortunately for me, I don't have an angel stuck in my head like you do."

Dean frowned at him. He hadn't said that it was Cas that helped him.

As if he had read his mind, Crowley replied, "Yes I know how possession works, even for those flying catastrophes. Your little friend is helping you out, so don't even try to hide it."

Dean scowled again before reaching for the door and pushing it open.

They all shuffled into the new room. It was similar except that there were giant cages instead of shelves.

As they came to the center of the room they all froze.

Dean felt a pulse of warning from Cas before he even saw the danger.

Loud barks and growls echoed throughout the room and Dean turned to see a pack of hellhounds clawing at the bars of their cage which shook under their weight.

There was a loud bang and the door behind them slammed shut.

"What the hell! Crowley!" Dean turned on the demon, red with fury.

"Don't blame me! I don't know what's going on either!"

Clang.

The bars around the hellhounds started to creak and bend as the beasts scrambled to try and rip apart the occupants of the room.

Dean looked around, looking for any way out. He tried the door and it was sealed shut.

"Dammit!"

He pulled at the handle in frustration but to no avail.

"Crowley, why did you take us here?" It was Sam's turn to be angry now. His tall frame towered over the bewildered demon.

"I didn't know that door would lead here! I might be the King of Hell but that doesn't mean I know the place!"

"Then how do you know where the codex is!?"

"Because it's my best guess! I felt that it was here! Not that a human could sense that." Crowley spat bitterly.

"You took us here based on a guess!?" Dean yelled, his panic rising as the scraping sounds grew louder.

 ** _Dean! Let me help._**

 _No Cas, you're weak enough as it is. We can figure this out on our own. You said it yourself, you can't take control right now._

Cas's small pulse of frustration added to Dean's own as his mind began to race.

The room still glowed with magical blue energy, contrasting with the hellish red and giving everything a ghostly quality.

Out of the corner of his eye, Dean saw a rectangular shape on the far wall. He turned and saw that the outline was just that, an outline.

He could still see the stones in the wall through the faint silhouette, but it was obvious that it was another hidden door.

How strange, he hadn't seen it there before.

He glanced at the cage again and was startled to see how wide the bars had become. They beasts could almost fit through them.

Dean sprinted towards the wall, knowing that every second counted.

He felt around it and to his surprise, saw his hand disappeared into the wall.

Alarmed, he withdrew to see that it was still intact.

 _What the hell is this Harry Potter shit?_

"DEAN!"

Sam cried out in warning before a loud bang echoed in the room. Dean didn't even need to turn around to know that the hellhounds had broken out.

"Hey! Over here! Just trust me!"

Bracing himself, he began to step into the wall.

"Dean! Wait –"

Crowley's voice was cut off as the world around him shifted.

He sucked in his breath as he felt as if he had been doused in ice water.

Almost as soon as the feeling had started, it was gone.

He gasped and opened his eyes.

Another room.

 _Jesus! How many rooms do they need?_

There was a sinking feeling in his gut and he had a suspicion that it actually wasn't him feeling that way.

Why would Cas be nervous?

 _Cas…?_

There was a tiny shift in the back of his mind. If he hadn't been paying attention he would've missed it.

 _Hey, what's got your tail feathers in a knot?_

Dean felt Cas struggling to answer. He doesn't know how, but he thinks that his powers must've drained a little more.

 _You okay?_

There was a long pause and more struggling.

 ** _I'm fine…but somethings not right…my – it's getting worse…Where's Sam and Crowley?_**

It was then that Dean noticed that he was alone in the room - besides Cas.

Fuck.

He spun around and pushed at the wall.

It didn't move. He couldn't go back.

No!

How could he have been so stupid! He had just left them without even telling them exactly what he was doing. Now they were separated, and in Hell of all places!

"Dammit!" Dean slammed his fist against the wall.

 _What do we do?_

 ** _I - don't ...know..._**

Dean could feel Cas slowly drifting away into what he would call unconsciousness. His voice was growing fainter and cutting in and out like an old radio.

 _Cas, you're scaring me buddy. Are you with me?_

 ** _Something here is sapping my strength... and I don't know where we are but - I don't have a good feeling about this Dean..._**

Dean finally took the chance to look around.

This room was different than the others. It was filled with columns that circled around the center of the room.

The columns seemed endless, just going deeper and deeper into the darkness. It was almost completely black except for the ominous light in the middle.

It was dead silent.

It wasn't cold; it wasn't hot but just…normal.

This made him all the more nervous.

His breathing was loud in his ears and so was his rapidly rising heartbeat.

Well he needed to do something. He couldn't just stand here.

"Sam…" he whispered.

It was a desperate effort but it wouldn't hurt to try.

"Sammy," this time he was louder.

"SAM!"

His voice was the only thing that echoed back at him.

He swallowed and looked around again before walking through the maze of stone pillars.

Dean strode toward the light in the room, and only then did he see the pedestal rising within the ring of columns.

 ** _Dean…please be careful…_**

 _I know…_

He gingerly stepped around the area, making sure there weren't any traps before he slowly approached the solitary platform.

Dean swore that his heart stopped beating when he looked down on the dais and saw two books lying casually on the rough surface.

He had to remind himself to breathe and his breath came in quick and rapid gasps.

No. It couldn't be. He would never get that lucky.

But was it…?

With trembling hands he reached down and opened the first book.

Holy fuck.

That was definitely the Book of the Damned.

He opened the second one with crazed excitement.

It was the codex.

 _Cas – did we really just find this?_

 ** _I – It seems so…_**

They were both in a state of disbelief.

What were the chances of them finding both the codex _and_ the Book of the Damned in the same room that they had discovered by accident.

That is, if it was by chance.

They both seemed to be thinking the same thing because Cas began to press a warning into his mind.

 _I know Cas but – we found them. I mean, let's just take them, go find Sam and get out of here._

 ** _But how do we get out of here Dean… there is no exit that I can see…_**

Dean frowned in confusion.

He spun to see around him and realized that Cas was right.

He could see no doors, just stone, darkness, and more stone. He couldn't even recall which way he had come from.

Oh no he was not gonna get trapped in here.

Dean took a deep breath to calm himself down.

Breathe, just breathe. It was okay, he wasn't even really alone here. He had Cas. It was gonna be okay. They have always figured things out and this was no different.

There was just that ever lurking feeling that this time would be the last time.

His thoughts continued to spiral downward until he heard footsteps.

There had been no sound within the room up until that point and the silence had been driving him crazy.

But he's sure he would've preferred the silence to this continuous pitter patter.

He held his breath as he waited for whatever it was to appear, but it didn't show.

Several minutes crawled by with only the mysterious shuffling sound filling the room.

What was it waiting for?

He withdrew his blade from his pocket as he tried to locate where it was coming from but it was impossible. The footsteps echoed off the stone and came from every direction.

 _Cas, do you know what it is? Do you see anything?_

 ** _No…_**

The apprehension continued to build until Dean couldn't take it anymore.

"Come on bitch! Where are you?"

The steps became focused on the spot directly behind Dean and he swung around, ready to fight whatever it was.

He stopped, his knife held in midair.

"Sam?"

His brother's tall frame stood outlined against the light in the room.

"Oh my god man, don't do that! You almost gave me a heart attack!"

He started to walk toward his little brother before he focused on his face and slowed to a stop.

Something was off.

There was immediately a warning from Cas as he pressured him to get away.

 ** _Dean, go! That's not Sam!_**

 _Than what –_

 ** _Just get away!_**

He turned to run in the opposite direction but the not-Sam was already there.

"What's the matter? Don't you recognize your own brother?"

Its voice was unnerving and Dean cringed at how much it sounded like the real Sam.

"What are you?"

It tilted its head slightly before smirking and looking down.

"Well, it wouldn't be the first time you treated me like that."

Dean was taken aback. Why was it talking to him like that?

"What?"

"You know, you've always been like this Dean. You always think you're plan is the best but you never even consider what I have to say."

Dean was getting more and more confused. But he couldn't focus on this right now. He needed to stall until he found a way out - if he could find a way out.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You, Dean. You always limit me and won't let me try and help you. Frankly, after all you've done, I don't know why I even care anymore."

Understanding dawned on him as the memories rushed back to him, all the ones he had long ago buried in his mind.

"So what? Is this supposed to be some freakin' guilt trip? Is that it? That's all that Hell has to offer?"

The non-Sam continued on as if it had never heard him.

"I have always done what I thought was best for you - best for us - even if you didn't except it. With Ruby and my powers -"

"You know what, you can shut up. I know you're not really Sam so you can drop the act. So tell me again, what are you and why are you here?"

The thing stepped forward, whether to acknowledge him or threaten him, he could not tell.

"I need to make you see Dean. You plan is not always right. I can help if you would just let me. It's always follow my big brother, he always knows what to do -"

"That's not true. Me and Sam have already gone over this -"

"You know what?" The fake Sam stepped even closer and Dean had to take a step back, "I'm sick of you."

Before Dean could react, there was a hand around his throat and he found himself being thrown on the ground.

His body slammed into the hard floor and the air was forced from his lungs.

He was wheezing as he made an attempt to get up.

 ** _Dean!_**

 _It's okay Cas, I'm fine, I'm -_

When he was finally vertical again, a hard kick flung him against the nearest column.

Ah man, this was not going well.

He found himself pinned down as he sputtered for breath again.

But the knife was still in his hand.

"After all these years Dean, you still don't trust me," Sam towered over Dean as he spoke, before crashing down on him with a clenched fist.

Oh why did this always happen to him?

He could feel Cas trying to heal his wounds but his grace was still depleted.

 _Cas don't! You need your strength to get us out of here!_

 ** _But Dean -_**

 _No Cas!_

For some reason, the blows just kept coming, one after the other. At this point he wasn't even trying to escape; he was just trying to survive.

When he finally mustered up the strength, he threw his arm forward.

The blade in his hand sliced through the thing's chest and stopped midway when it grabbed hold of his wrist.

"What the hell," he stared at where the blade resided, deep in its chest cavity. There was no blood, there wasn't anything. It was just like it was made of air.

"I could've been happy Dean. If you had just left me alone I could've finished college, become a lawyer, married Jess. But you couldn't get over the fear of being alone could you? You had to drag me along and now look where we are?"

Dean looked up at the fake Sam. It had to be an illusion, some sort of hallucination but it felt so real.

He looked it in the eye as he spoke again.

"No. No Sam wouldn't have been happy. If I hadn't come and got him than Azazel would've. He would've died, and I would never have forgiven myself for that. If I had to go back, I would have done the same thing. I wouldn't change that for the world. You understand me!"

It began to twist his wrist in response and Dean hissed as it became painful.

He dropped the knife and it fell through the thing's chest as if it were smoke, clattering to the floor.

"But I would've had a chance Dean, to be normal, to have a life."

Dean felt his breath coming faster and he tried to push away.

Dammit! He didn't need this thing messing with his head right now!

"You're not real, so nothing you say is gonna make me think any different about my little brother."

It just tilted its head again, the sides of its mouth perking up in a small smile.

"Oh Dean," it sighed, "You've hurt more than just your brother. All your friends and family - they've had to put up with all of your issues and mistakes. And some of them have paid for the consequences of those mistakes."

Dean struggled under the grasp of the illusion but its hand held firm.

Come on, think Dean! How can you get out of this?

But his mind was blank. He could think of nothing.

 _Cas! - help!_

He stopped.

The image before him was shifting, the hair became shorter and the eyes became bluer.

No. Please no. Not with Cas right here with him. His friend didn't need to know how much guilt he felt for - for everything.

But despite his internal pleading, the form in front of him changed until he was face to face with the familiar blue-eyes angel.

Its face was bloody and beaten, Dean realized, and the memories crashed back on him like a wave.

The Bunker, the Steins, the uncontrollable bloodlust, and then Cas.

Cas had been trying to stop him, to help save him, but his desire to kill had been too much.

It was all a blur really, up until the moment when he had the blade in his hands.

It was then that everything had started to clear.

The reality of what he had been doing came to him as he had stared at the broken angel under him.

Those eyes, pleading for him to stop. But the thing was, Cas had never fought back.

That was what had caused his heart to twist painfully in his chest.

Cas was willing to let himself die rather than hurt him.

He had fought so hard in that moment, to save his friend, but it was so tempting, to just let go and let the satisfaction of the kill quench his thirst.

And Cas had only said one word.

Please.

No he can't think about that!

Cas was right here, in his head, and the angel was just as shocked as he was, he could feel it.

But all he could do at the moment was just sit and stare.

If someone was going to guilt trip him, he would've expected them to use Sam against him, but Cas - now that was more surprising.

Why he had never expected it, he didn't know.

But this fake Cas was right in front of him, strong hands against his throat and leaning over him like a starving predator.

He suddenly felt very awkward. The real Cas pulsed his confusion into Dean's mind which he refused to answer.

It must be weird for him too. He was basically staring back at himself.

"Why did you do it Dean?"

The gruff voice rang in his ears.

He couldn't speak, he didn't want to. Not with Cas here.

"I've done everything for you and this is what I get? I helped you, I saved you! And you wouldn't even help me when I most needed it!"

 ** _Dean, don't listen -_**

"I was helpless - homeless - and you left me on the streets to figure everything out on my own! My first time as a human, and you refused to take me under your wing!"

Dean was grabbed and slammed against the wall.

"After all I've done, do I not deserve at least your protection?!"

He opened his mouth but no words came out. Cas was swirling furiously in the back of his mind, making it difficult to hear or feel anything.

 _Cas, what are you doing?!_

 ** _You don't need to hear this. You have enough to worry about and I know you - this is hurting you Dean and I don't want it to._**

 _But Cas... I don't -_

 ** _Dean. How many times must I say, it's not your fault!_**

 _I don't deserve your forgiveness Cas so stop it! This isn't the best time!_

The momentary distraction cost him a punch in the face and he felt blood began to dribble from his lips.

Dammit!

He made a greater effort to push the fake Cas off him and to his surprise, it worked.

It let go of him and he kicked it hard in the chest, sending it flying across the floor.

It quickly recovered and gave him a cold stare from there other side of the circle.

"Getting violent again are we?" It wiped a hand across its mouth, to clean off the blood.

Dean still said nothing, but readied himself for a fight.

Non-Cas smirked at the invitation for combat.

"Oh Dean, Dean, Dean... don't you remember? You're only human, I'm an angel."

It swung at his head and Dean ducked.

He swung back, but the punch was blocked and countered.

The fight continued back and forth, each opponent landing a fair share of punches and receiving just as many.

Adrenaline pumping, Dean finally managed to knock the thing down and smiled at his victory.

It was short lived.

As soon as it seemed to have given up, it kicked its leg, hooking Dean's ankle with its foot and pulling him down.

Dean flailed as he fell backwards. His head hit the stone with a crack.

The world went white and blotchy and the pain in his head seemed to prevent him from breathing.

It burned like fire and he felt paralyzed with the pain.

More hands were on his throat but this time he couldn't see them.

 ** _Dean, I think you have a concussion. We need to find Sam so we can get out of here and -_**

"I was wrong about you Dean. I thought you were the righteous man, as did all the rest of heaven, but you know what I've discovered over the years? You're just a scared little boy. An obedient little soldier, like I was, but you were reckless and stupid. If I had known what would come of it, I would never have saved you from the pit."

 ** _Dean, please, listen to me -_**

"I should've let you burn in Hell. You are a worthless, selfish, cowardly -"

"Cas..." Dean gasped through the burn in his throat.

"Cas... I'm sorry."

The thing has stopped talking and was staring at him with a malicious smile.

 ** _Dean, you don't need to -_**

 _Yes I do Cas!_

The illusion began to change again, this time becoming dark and smoky before settling into a single form.

Again Dean looked at it with surprise.

Although his vision was still fuzzy, he was pretty sure who it had changed into.

He stared up and was met with his own face.

He was wearing a red shirt and his hair was slightly different.

He knew exactly what this was.

"Hey handsome, remember me?"

It down at him before the green eyes flicked to black.

What the fuck had he gotten into?

It gave him a quick and unexpected punch to the face before grabbing him by the shirt and forcing him to his feet.

Instead of pushing him to the wall, this time it threw him upon the pedestal, scattering the books unto the floor.

And instead of hands on his neck, he felt a sharp, rough blade. He knew it had to be the First Blade, or at least a realistic mirage of it.

"Now..." the demon leaned down to look him in the eyes, "I can make this a very boring and dull or..."

The blade was lifted up to be examined by the dark, soulless eyes.

"...we can have some fun."

Its smile widened and it set the blade in the center of his chest.

He suddenly found that he could not move. He struggled and squirmed but nothing happened.

A small chuckle escaped the other Dean's lips.

"Perks of being a demon."

The First Blade dug into his flesh and he screamed as it was dragged down towards his naval.

 ** _Dean!_**

Concern was evident in Cas's voice - or thoughts - whatever!

Right now, Dean could only focus on the pain and blood soaking through his shirt.

Alright! He got the point! He was supposed to feel guilty for the stuff he's done, he got it now so could it just stop!

"Oh no, we're not done yet."

His hair was pulled downward, forcing him to look up.

"Let's chat." His other self lightly dragged the dripping knife along his cheekbone.

He shook his head uselessly but that only caused the blade to accidentally cut across his face.

He groaned and the other's deadly white teeth shown in contrast to the dark red of his appearance.

"Oh come on look at me...Look at me!"

His face was grabbed and he was again forced to look at the dark version of himself.

"Now your gonna sit nice and pretty and listen to what I have to say."

Dean couldn't refuse, or move for that matter.

Oh god, please let him not be stuck here!

Why did he have to rush it? Sam had been the smart one to think that they were risking too much by coming here. Why hasn't he listened? Now they were all stuck here with little chance of escape. He had damned them all to Hell, forever.

"Hey, you listening big boy? I said LISTEN!"

Dean began to shake as he prepared for whatever the hell was going to happen.

He nodded and prayed silently that if he and Cas didn't get out, that at least Sam would.

"Good... now you see this?"

It extended its arm to show the Mark of Cain, glowing and pulsating on his arm.

"You remember how we got that?"

He merely glared back at the creature, refusing to answer it directly.

It ignored his small act of defiance and kept talking.

"To save the world from Abandon, the all powerful Knight of Hell. We were trying to be the hero, making the unknown sacrifice. Well..." It laughed again, "I can thank you for all the pain that caused."

Dean clenched his jaw and turned away, trying his best to ignore the deadly words.

"But I can also thank you for the reward of it all. All that pain and suffering and death, it was worth it - worth this."

He pointed to his eyes which were still void and emotionless.

"This Mark...it, well...it's pretty much the most powerful thing in the universe. And the black eyes, those were a bonus."

The demon Dean began to pace back and forth in front of him as it went on with its explanation.

"Don't you realize the potential? No pain, no guilt, no emotions, no dying. You could be the ruler of the world and no one could ever question you. And most importantly, you could get revenge on all of those that ever caused you pain. Lucifer, Metatron, hell even God himself might be afraid of you."

Dean kept looking away. He didn't want to hear this; his darker side was trying to talk him into becoming a monster again. But the scariest part was he had actually been this thing.

At some point, this was how he had been and he hated it. He was disgusted by it and afraid of what he would've become if Sam and Cas hadn't cured him.

"But you couldn't handle it, could you?"

The creature turned sharply towards him with a feral snarl decorating his face.

"You were weak! Couldn't give up a couple of people for the chance of all that power!"

It started to advance on him and Dean tried to lean away from it.

Of course it was useless.

This version of the apparition seemed to have more of a punch behind it. This time the hits were solid, fast, and vicious.

Dean found himself barely able to draw enough breath in between punches.

And all the time he could feel Cas trying, in vain, to help.

But what could he do?

He was almost powerless right now. Whatever grace he was trying to heal him with did virtually nothing.

 _Cas, stop draining yourself. It's not worth it._

Cas struggled to form his own thoughts as Dean continued to receive blow after blow.

He couldn't take much more of this. He could barely see any more through his bruised eyelids and his whole face was tight and swollen.

But he had to at least try and survive. He couldn't just give up, he had to fight.

"Why do you even care about them, they hate you! They left you! Sam? HA! He left you to rot in Purgatory, remember, and Cas, he BETRAYED you!"

Dean's anger grew as the creature rambled on. He couldn't let this break him, he was better than this!

Finally the other Dean stopped and leaned forward to whisper in his ear.

A chill ran down his spine as it hissed,

"They don't need you, they never needed you. In fact they would be better off without you. Just remember that…"

Its voice grew lower, almost a growl.

"they…left…you…"

Dean's blood boiled with rage as the creature spit out its lies. He had had enough.

"NO! NO THEY DIDN'T!"

He lunged forward and grabbed the creature by the neck, sending them both flying backwards.

They crashed into the nearest column and he starting swinging.

Despite the pain that enveloped his whole body, he kept going, hammering his fist into whatever kind of nightmare this thing was.

"YOU'RE WRONG YOU SON OF A BITCH! THEY DIDN'T ABANDON ME, THEY WERE TRYING TO HELP ME! WHEN SAM DIDN'T LOOK FOR ME, THAT'S BECAUSE I TOLD HIM NOT TO!"

He paused to quickly smack the thing's head against the stone.

"AND CAS, HE WAS JUST TRYING TO DO WHAT HE THOUGHT WAS BEST! HE WAS TRYING TO SAVE THE WORLD - HE WAS TRYING TO SAVE US! IT'S NOT HIS FAULT THAT HE DIDN'T KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES!"

He pounded and pounded until his knuckles were covered completely in blood.

Then he felt the fatigue setting in and he stopped, his breathing heavy and shaking.

He slowly looked up at what was left of his bloodied double.

Its head lolled to the side, dark eyes barely open.

It took in a raspy breath before speaking.

"See…" it smiled, "That's more like it…"

Dean froze and stared at it.

Then he looked down at his blood covered hands, which had begun to shake violently from exhaustion.

"I knew you still had it in you…"

The demon's eyes burned into his one last time before the image finally began to break apart like ashes.

Dean held its gaze as the room became thicker with smoke and ash until the illusion crumbled and blew away as if in a breeze.

Dean wanted to throw up. There was blood splattered everywhere and he still felt his own dripping down his chest. He felt faint.

 ** _Dean, please! Let me help you!_**

 _But you're not strong enough Cas…_

 ** _I can make myself strong enough if need be; I can use the last of my grace -_**

 _No Cas, I'm not gonna let you give up your life like that…_

 ** _Dean, you are dying! Do you not understand that!_**

 _And what makes my life more valuable than yours?_

Dean could feel Cas's frustration emanating like heat from the sun.

It only made it harder to stay conscious.

 ** _Dean, I'm not going to let you die!_**

 _And you won't…It's my choice…_

 ** _No! Dammit Dean Winchester, if you let yourself die, than so help me, I will find a way to resurrect you and then kill you myself!_**

 _Wait…quiet Cas…_

Cas was immediately silent.

Once again, there was noise in the room.

Oh god, please! Had he not had enough?

But this time it was not footsteps he heard, but clapping.

Why the hell would someone be clapping?

He looked out into the darkness of the room to try and see anything, but it was pitch black.

He waited, slumped on the stone pillar for whatever was coming next.

Surprisingly, he didn't wait long.

From out of the darkness, walked a dark-haired man with a long tan trench coat.

His malevolent smile was such a foreign expression on the once serene face.

He continued to clap his hands until he was fully illuminated in the pale light.

"Lucifer…"

The archangel's smile turned into a lopsided grin.

"Oh bravo, bravo!"

He stepped closer and knelt down to Dean's eye level, piercing him with a blue gaze.

"It looks like you managed to get yourself stuck in one of my old torture chambers. You really should be more careful next time."

Dean felt his strength failing and his eyes started to close.

"Oh now, now, don't be rude."

Lucifer grabbed him roughly by the chin and forced Dean to look at him.

"Show some respect to your master."

Dean just lay there limply. He knew there was nothing he could do.

"You know, here's a tip: next time you try and break into Hell, make sure that no one else knows about you."

The Devil sighed and shook his head, feigning disappointment.

"That little librarian girl, poor thing, she just happened to have been there when two men broke into her store and kidnapped her family. But you know what's remarkable, when I really looked into it; I found out that it hadn't been robbers after all. It was some of my little minions and guess who came and saved the day. You two."

Dean looked up at him as best as he could, but his body seemed to want to do anything but what he told it to.

"You realize she heard all that the demon told you, right? About the book and the codex and blah blah blah.

Lucifer let go of Dean, whose head slumped down against his chest.

"Oh would you look at that."

Dean lazily opened his eyes and followed Lucifer's gaze to his chest.

His eyes opened wide when he realized what he was seeing.

His chest, cut and bleeding, was leaking a blue light that illuminated the rest of the room.

No!

He was fine if he died, but not Cas!

 _Cas! No man hold on! Please!_

 ** _I – I can't Dean…Whatever is sapping my strength…its strong…and your hurt…which means my vessel is weak…I'm sorry Dean…_**

 _No Cas! You're not dying on me!_

Dean could feel how both of their minds were slowly fading, and it was terrifying.

If he died here, Sam would never know. Hell, Sam might even be still trapped here.

"So it looks like I hit two birds with one stone. One stupid little mud-monkey and his silly winged sidekick. Seems like I've only got one more to go."

Darkness was starting to dominate the corners of his vision and Dean fought to keep awake.

There was a sudden shift in the room, but Dean didn't have enough energy to look at the source.

But apparently it surprised the heck out of the angel in front of him because he was instantly up and ready for action.

"Today must be my lucky day."

The archangel lunged forward and out of Dean's range of view.

The next thing he heard was a crash and he saw and felt a flash of fire followed by a scream. It was short and followed by a hissing and the sounds of boot on stone.

"Go grab the book and the codex, I'll get Dean!"

Dean tried to turn his head towards the sound.

He could recognize that voice anywhere.

"Sam…" The name came out dry and cracked.

"Dean! I – Oh my god! You need help – and Cas! –"

"No time for that moose! We need to go before crispy over here is done frying!"

"You have the -"

"Yes! Go!"

Dean felt a heavy hand on his shoulder and relaxed under the familiar touch.

"What are you waiting for?!"

Crowley's voice became high-pitched as he yelled at Sam.

"Give them to me now."

"What! Are you crazy –"

"Book. Codex. Now"

"Oh bloody fine!"

After a second of shuffling Dean felt the hand on his shoulder again.

"Just hold on, we're almost there."

There was another crash and Dean saw piercing light shine behind his eye lids.

"Oh shit!"

The ground under his feet began to move and the air began to swirl around him. The heat of Hell vanished and was replaced by cool waves of soothing air.

Dean felt wood suddenly under his feet.

There was a sharp cry and the smell of burning flesh before he heard Sam yell out, "Break the sigil!"

There was a scraping sound and then the pressure in the room dissipated.

His vision continued to grow darker and darker. Everything felt numb and he couldn't move.

But there was also a welcome change that he felt.

In the very corners of his mind, Cas was swirling with delight and he seemed more…whole.

The last thing Dean heard before he fell from consciousness was the voice of his angel, a soft whisper in the dark.

 ** _You're safe Dean. It's okay. We made it. We're all safe._**


	5. No Place Like Home

When Dean finally opened his eyes, the first thing he noticed was his surroundings.

He was back in the hotel, lying on one of the beds. The sheets are soft and the mattress is warm. He didn't want to get up yet, it was so comfortable.

He didn't see Sam and the room was quiet. He tried to lift his head to look around but immediately regretted it. There is an intense pressure that was hammering the inside of his skull.

He groaned and instead contented to turning his head on the pillow. The floor is an absolute mess. Stones and wax were scattered everywhere and blood still stained the floor.

And across the room by the counter, Sam sat in front of his laptop. He turned around when he heard Dean groan.

"How are you feeling?" Sam immediately got up and walked over to his brother's bed.

Dean rubbed the palm of his hands against his eyes and let out another annoyed sigh. "My head hurts like a son of a bitch!"

"Ya, Cas said that'd happen."

Dean paused before giving Sam a questioning look. "Wait, did he -"

"After you passed out he talked with me briefly. He said that he needed rest as much as you did. So I left you two alone and went to chat with Crowley. He left, by the way. I let him go, just like we said."

He didn't like the idea of Crowley on the loose without supervision, but they had promised to let him go free. It didn't matter now, they still had bigger problems.

"What about the book and the codex?"

Sam's expression suddenly became solemn and he looked down at his hands.

"They're gone."

"What?! How could you possibly loose them both. Did Crowley take them?"

"No Dean...I mean they're _gone,_ destroyed."

Dean looked at Sam in disbelief. How could this have happened? As far as he knew nothing on earth could destroy the Book of the Damned.

"How?" The surprise was evident in his voice.

"You didn't see what happened...you were out of it," He started rubbing his hands together out of nervous habit, "When we came and got you Dean, Lucifer...well we had slowed him down a little with holy fire, but when we started to teleport here, he kinda threw some sorta energy at us. We were lucky it didn't hit us, but I um... I kinda lifted up both the books to shield us, it was an accident really. Whatever it was hit the books and they kinda just disintegrated. I wasn't hurt too bad, just some burns that Cas took care of."

Dean glanced down at Sam's hands. They looked perfectly normal and unharmed, but the memory of the smell of burnt flesh crept back to the forefront of his mind. He shivered at the thought. Sam had been hurt trying to help him. If only he hadn't - no. He couldn't think about that now, he didn't need any more stress.

Sam seemed to notice his concern and quickly tried to comfort his brother.

"I'm fine Dean, really. Look," he held up his hands, "It's over, it's done. No more to it." He gave Dean a reassuring look and sighed. There was a long pause between them before Dean spoke up.

"What happened? Tell me everything."

The bed dipped slightly as Sam sat beside Dean. His mouth became a thin line as he gathered his thoughts.

"You remember what happened before you went in that room right?"

Dean nodded and then grimaced as the pain in his head returned.

"When the hellhounds broke loose and you went through the wall, I was going to follow you. And I would've if it weren't for Crowley. He stopped me, saying that it was certain death to go in there. He tried to warn you, but you mustn't of heard."

Sam stopped for breath but kept his eyes on Dean, who was still lying on the bed listening intently.

"For some reason, Crowley couldn't zap us out, he said something about those rooms being warded. After that, I don't know how we did it but we were able to kill the hellhounds. It probably helped that Crowley's a demon."

"You were still able to see them?" Dean asked quietly.

"Ya I could see 'um. I'll explain that in a minute."

That perked up Dean's curiosity. So Sam had figured out why they were able to see what should be invisible. And that reminded him; he still had to ask Cas what the hell happened. The angel still hadn't answered his questions.

"After they hounds were dead, Crowley was able to pry the door open, it had been sealed but we were able to remove the warding. When we were out I demanded that we go back and get you, but Crowley insisted on me explaining to him why we could see the hellhounds. So I told him I didn't know, and then said how we got here with the ritual and everything."

Here Sam paused and started looking a little nervous, "Hey...is it okay if I talk with Cas for a little bit."

Dean looked at him with slight confusion, "Okay, why?"

"You'll still hear the rest of what I have to say, but Cas should know too...plus I have something I need to ask him."

Dean was hesitant, but he silently agreed. He lifted himself tentatively into a sitting position, ignoring the pain.

"Uh...just give me a minute," he glanced quickly up at Sam before shutting out everything else and focusing on the resting presence in his mind. He closed his eyes to concentrate.

What he knew to be Cas seemed to sit dormant just out of his mind's reach. That made him think of another question. Was Cas sleeping? Because he knew that didn't mean anything good.

He pushed at Cas, poking lightly at the drowsiness that separated them. It took a couple of tries to actually get a response, but eventually Cas began to stir. The angel began to swirl lazily and Dean could sense the haze that filled Cas's mind from sleep. There was a little push of acknowledgement and Dean felt relieved now that he was awake.

 _Hey Cas._

Cas grudgingly pulsed in response, still a little tired.

Dean laughed silently. He'd have never thought of Cas as a grumpy morning person.

 _You doing okay? I hear we were both knocked out pretty good._

 ** _I'm fine Dean, thank you. I just needed rest._**

 _That's good. And uh, Sam wants to talk to you. I don't know what about but he insisted._

There was a slight wave of nervousness from Cas but it was quickly covered up. That's strange. But whatever, Sam needed to talk to him first.

 _Are you well enough to... you know..._

Cas seemed to sigh before answering, **_Yes, I'll talk with Sam._**

It took a minute for Cas to gather himself in preparation for regaining control of his vessel. When the grace finally spread throughout Dean's veins, he felt himself immediately straighten up.

Cas took a deep breath, readjusting to maneuvering a body again, before looking up at Sam. Sam's expression suddenly hardened and Cas tilted his head in confusion.

"Hello Sam," there was a questioning tone is his voice, which sounded somehow different from Dean's.

Dean shared in Cas's confusion but waited to see how it would play out.

Cas narrowed his eyes at the younger Winchester, trying to figure out what had upset him.

"Is everything okay -"

"You're an idiot."

Cas stared at Sam in shock and Dean could feel the tension slowly building. He was now deeply intrigued as to what was going on.

"Sam-"

"I know what you did Cas. Crowley told me once I explained to him what happened with the ritual. You should've told us what the spell _really_ did. We would've been more careful if we knew."

 _Cas, what is he talking about?_

He was met with silence as Sam continued.

"And I know you didn't tell Dean or else he would never have agreed to it. Now are you going to tell him or am I gonna have to?" Cas refused to meet his eyes and Sam huffed in annoyance.

"Fine. Dean, what Cas failed to tell you is that the ritual we used to get us into Hell didn't in fact boost his grace but rather, it drained it - badly. That's why he can't fully heal you. I went back and translated the spell -" Sam reached to grab his notebook off the bed stand, "It says, and I quote, I give my holy power to the worthy ones who call upon me. Take my power. I give it to thee."

Sam paused a moment to look pointedly at Cas, who finally met his gaze.

"Cas you gave us some of your grace to get us to Hell. You weren't powerful enough by yourself so you decided to give it to us instead? I understand that it got the job done, but that was a very dangerous move, especially in your state."

Realization dawned on Dean and he felt the anger boiling up inside him. Cas had lied to them! And he could only imagine how dangerous it was to split ones grace and give it to someone else. He could've gotten himself killed!

He didn't know why he was getting this angry - wait yes he did. Cas put himself at risk again, right after he had just been freed from Lucifer. All the blood and sweat spent to save him would be for nothing if Cas threw himself away.

Dean's temper flared at the thought and he let the heat of his anger flood his mind. Cas flinched when it finally crashed down on him and Dean could feel his surprise, but that didn't stop him from rounding on the angel.

 _What were you thinking Cas! You could've gotten yourself killed! You can't just put yourself on the chopping block without talking with us first!_

 ** _I was helping, I knew you wouldn't agree but it was the quickest way to reach our-_**

 _Then why did you do it?!_

 ** _Dean, please listen. You needed a solution and I had one. Besides, you and Sam put yourselves at risk all the time, why am I any different?_**

 _Because Cas, when we do it, we know what the hell each other are doing! When we didn't, it always ended in shit!_

 ** _But it worked and we are all alive Dean -_**

 _That's not the point Cas! The point is that you didn't tell us, so we didn't know the risk we took - and that's a bad combination. Don't you remember last time that happened!? Unless you want to be a leviathan puppet again!_

There was an eerie silence between them and Dean had a sinking feeling in his gut. He could feel Cas withdrawal slightly from him and block off his flow of emotions.

Okay, he needed to cool down a bit. This wasn't helping either of them at the moment and guilt was starting to creep its way into his mind.

If Dean had had any control of his body right now he would've sighed.

 _Hey... I didn't mean it like that._

Cas pulsed weakly and opened his thoughts a little. The angel's emotions were a mix of guilt, sadness, and anger. Ah crap, now he felt really bad.

Sam was watching them in awkward silence, waiting for Cas to get done with whatever conversation he and Dean were having, but he could tell exactly when Dean got angry. Cas tensed up and his eyes became unfocused as he concentrated.

"Hey um," Sam coughed to get Cas's attention, "Should I..." He gestured vaguely to the door. There was silence again before Cas looked up and nodded slowly, a slightly pained expression on his face.

Sam immediately got up and grabbed his laptop before opening the hotel door. "I'm gonna take a drive. I'll tell you the rest later." With that he walked out of the room and shut the door. Sam did feel bad about bringing that up but it needed to be dealt with. Cas shouldn't have done that, and he knew he might've been a little harsh about it, but he thought Cas would've learned by now.

The sound of the truck's engine echoed in the room and the lights flashed in the windows before the room was quiet again. Once the car had gone, Dean finally pushed at Cas, who still sat tightly wound at the back of his mind.

 _Hey..._

Cas was silent again and Dean continued to push at him.

 _Come on man -_

 ** _No. I did what I thought would help you Dean, I always have but...never mind...I'll call Sam so he can tell us what else happened._**

 _Cas don't...just..._

Oh god Dean hated this. This whole sharing one body thing made it impossible to avoid mushy talks. Usually they'd just leave and deal with their problems on their own, but that took time. Time alone. Him and Cas didn't have that luxury. Cas couldn't just take his time because Dean would be there every second watching and feeling how he handled it.

Damn, he knew that he had hurt Cas's feelings before, but just like now, Cas had always stayed silent. But now Dean could sense his emotions, could feel the hurt that he never knew was there. And he thought angels weren't supposed to have emotions.

It wasn't overwhelming, he was just surprised. He knew bringing _that_ up would be a touchy subject but he didn't know Cas would shut down and stop talking altogether. And that led him to question whether or not Cas had actually forgiven himself yet for what he did.

But hadn't Cas heard him back in Hell? Dean had forgiven him for what happened. And he had made sure Cas knew that back in Purgatory...hadn't he? He hadn't quite used his words, he wasn't good with that, but he had looked for Cas - hell he had prayed to him. He remembered some of those nights when the prayers had become desperate and he had felt afterwards that he might've said too much.

Well whatever. Apparently the Leviathan thing was still a soft spot for the angel. And now they had to talk about it or else risk several hours, maybe days of awkwardness and neither of them wanted that. Well he might as well get it over with. Oh man here he goes.

 _Hey, Cas...I'm just trying to say that if you're gonna take a risk, tell us first. That way we can go save your ass if need be. And in this case we could've brought, I don't know...well we could've figured something out...And I shouldn't have brought that up. It's done, it's in the past, let's move on._

Cas remained hesitant but definitely loosened up a bit. Everything suddenly felt lighter as the invisible pressure was lifted, but didn't fully disappear.

 _Is there something you need to say? If you wanna say it Cas, just say it. Might as well while we're getting all soft n' fuzzy here._

 ** _It's fine...you're right Dean...I shouldn't let the past bother me..._**

Dean could feel how half-hearted the statement was and it frustrated him that Cas was just accepting that as fact without really believing it.

 _Bullshit. You're not fine, why else would what I said have bothered you so much?_

 ** _It's okay, it was my fault anyway_** ** _._** ** _I shouldn't have reacted the way I did._**

 _Hey. No. There is nothing wrong with feeling guilty; hell that's how I feel most of the time. I guess I'm just better at ignoring it._

 ** _..._**

 _Just - be careful okay. Don't get yourself killed if it ain't worth it. You can't be so eager to jump in front of the bullet...you've done that enough okay...take it easy._

There was still an uncomfortable feeling in the air and Dean could tell Cas was hiding something.

 _Come on, if you don't say what's bugging you than I'm gonna drag it outa you. I know you wanna talk. We share the same body, remember?_

Cas sighed and stood up, making his way to the cellphone on the table. Oh no, he was not just gonna walk away from this.

Just as Cas raised his hand to grab the device, Dean allowed himself to be a little more forceful. His hand tensed and stopped midair. Cas looked at it, confused until he realized Dean's intent. He tried again to reach for the phone but Dean wouldn't let him.

 ** _Dean please. I don't want to -_**

 _Well I don't really want to either, but this can't just sit...so, spill._

Annoyance flared from Cas's essence and Dean waited for him to finally break his silence.

 ** _Do you know why I do these things Dean? Because of you and Sam. I am fighting for your cause, always, and if I am killed because of it, so be it. Even if I do die fighting...it wouldn't be that much of a loss...you and Sam can keep going without me. Better me than one of you._**

Dean was quiet. He didn't know what to say. Did Cas really think that, that he wasn't worth as much as him and Sam? Why would he believe that, and what had made him believe that? What had he done wrong?

Wait, was that why Cas had done it, said yes to Lucifer? But there had to be more to it. Cas was smart enough to know making a literal deal with the devil was a bad idea but he had done it anyways.

 _Cas...don't you ever think that, okay! We're family and we take care of each other. That includes you. Cas you're family. We would never want anything bad to happen to you... you know that right?_

 ** _...yes..._**

Dean could sense it was a lie. A straight up lie, and it hurt. But why! What had caused Cas to change his mind about their friendship? And Cas wasn't being honest with him, that was another blow to his confidence in the angel.

With reluctance he gathered his thought and carefully asked,

 _Cas, why are you lying to me..._

It was no use for Cas to be dishonest now, if he did it would be an outright denial of their trust. Cas sat back down awkwardly on the bed, brushing the back of his neck in nervousness.

 ** _I don't want to hurt you Dean, emotionally or physically...and this might fit in that category._**

The slight sting became a dull throb as his curiosity perked up again.

 _...it's okay...I'll listen..._

Cas sighed and finally contented to folding his hands in his lap.

 ** _Over the past few years, and quiet recently I've been feeling... a bit... useless._**

He paused to let that sink in and when Dean didn't interrupt, he continued.

 ** _I thought I would be more useful if I sacrificed myself for the cause... it would at least make something I've done... helpful... and not harmful._**

 _And Lucifer..._

Dean could sense Cas's hesitation again but this time he kept going.

 ** _...Yes, I thought I'd try to be useful..._**

 _But you knew that wasn't a good idea, right?_

The angel was becoming more reserved again and he could understand why, this was a very personal topic and he was digging deep. He contemplated the conversation, trying to figure out Cas's motive and it was now becoming clear. But the conclusion was not a pleasant one. Did Cas want to die?

Cas had been so passive lately, barely giving any objections and just rolling through the motions. That didn't seem quite like him. He would've expected at least a little more resistance from an ex-heavenly leader. But Cas had stayed silent, just doing his job like a good little soldier - not so unlike Dean had been when he was younger. Was Cas feeling that way now too? Like just another pawn on the board to be sacrificed for the sake of the greater good...and his guilt hovering over him like a dark fog that wouldn't fade.

The silence between them dragged on and Dean decided to suck it up and speak first. If Cas was really having the same issues he once had, maybe he could help with his level of understanding.

 _You know, it's okay Cas. I get it. You feel like shit. Years of guilt and fuck ups will do that to ya. And I don't know what all happened that made you feel this way and that's fine. You don't need to tell me. But just know that you aren't useless Cas. Not to me, not to Sam. You've saved our asses on multiple occasions, remember...and you're not alone man. Me and Sam, we've all felt this way...maybe still do, with all the crap we've caused. But you've just gotta keep fightin'. You might feel like this now...but just because you think you deserve to die doesn't mean that we do too..._

In those words he poured his understanding, hoping that Cas would believe them. He felt his own guilt now, at letting Cas get this far in that mentality. Has he really been that ignorant? Well it didn't help that the past couple years had been hell, so to speak. After Cas's betrayal, which still hurt Dean to think about, him and Sam were forced to focus on the leviathans, then the fallen angels, and the Mark of Cain, which definitely would prevent him from having an honest conversation with the angel.

But despite all that, Dean felt pride at how Cas had managed to get through it all, no matter how rough and tough it had been, especially when he had been human.

Oh and he still felt horrible about that... Cas didn't need to know how much guilt that still caused him. Cas had needed him, desperately. He had been lost, alone, and in need of his guidance...and Dean had sent him away. He had never intended for Cas to get killed because of it. He never wanted to go through that again.

He paused in his conversation as these thoughts ran through his head. He didn't want Cas to die, he didn't even want to think about it, it made his stomach turn and a lump form in his throat. Dean finally pushed those thoughts away and again focused on Cas, waiting patiently as he listened.

 _Cas...don't kill yourself...please, promise me you won't._

The angel's grace swirled and warmed Dean's worried conscious, as if to further confirm and comfort him.

 ** _I promise..._**

Relief fell upon Dean's mind and he relaxed. Although he knew he would have to keep an eye on Cas, hearing him say those words filled him with some assurance. He knew that when Cas promised something, he was bound to keep that promise...he wouldn't risk their friendship again, would he?

 _Thank you._

 ** _You're welcome Dean._**

The weight was finally lifted from the air and they both fell into a more comfortable stillness.

 ** _We should call Sam. He probably has more to tell us._**

 _Ya, we should._

Cas got up from the bed, causing it to creak softly and strode over to the table again. He quietly picked up the phone and dialed. When Sam's voice perked up from the phone, Dean was surprised to hear that he sounded quite cheerful, excited even.

"Hello, Sam...is something the matter?"

"Oh hey Cas, ya I'm fine. I was - I was just thinking, since we know Lucifer isn't in Kansas anymore, do you think - maybe it would be safe to go back to the bunker?"

Now Dean understood Sam's eagerness, he wanted to go home - which is what the bunker had become to them. It was one of the few things in their lives that had become permanent, besides baby and Cas.

"Yes," Cas said, softly smiling at Sam,"I think that would be a good idea."

"Okay great! I'll be back in about half an hour, I thought I'd go on a little supplies run before we hit the road. And we can talk on the drive since it'll take us several hours to get back to Kansas from here."

"Do you need me to-"

"No Cas, you need to rest. No zapping around. Besides, it's time you saw what life's like on the road."

 _Ya man. Chillax._

"Okay...so you guys can finish up and I'll meet you there. See ya."

"Bye Sam."

The phone clicked and Cas set it back down.

 _So...you wanna help pack?_

There was a trickle of amusement from Cas as he stood and began to gather the stuff strewn across the room.

 _What is it Cas?_

The angel still had a small smile on his face.

 ** _It's just, you and Sam. You're so joyful to go back. It's just a nice feeling...home._**

Dean felt his own warmth ball up inside him as Cas's emotions rubbed off on him.

 _Yes, yes it is._

It wasn't long before Sam showed up in the hotel parking lot, loaded with food for the road. Although they wouldn't be driving the Impala, Dean still had a good feeling about this. He didn't know what it was, maybe it was because it had been what seems like forever since Cas had driven with them. It wouldn't just be him and Sam, but Cas too...the whole family.

And Dean was surprised that he actually felt fine about it, he wasn't nervous or embarrassed to have to spend several hours stuck in a car with an angel in his frickin' brain. He thought he would, but he wasn't and he didn't know why. Well, at least he was finally getting used to the current arrangement, no matter how messed up it was.

With the truck packed with what little belongings they had, they started on the road, sun glinting off of the vehicle's surface as they drove off along the long dark road.

The radio blared loudly as the black truck ran down the asphalt. Apparently Sam had had the brilliant idea of buying a couple of CD's for the road. It was like the kid had been planning this. Not that Dean was complaining. In fact, he was the one yelling along to some old ACDC, much to Cas's dismay.

 ** _I don't understand Dean, why would someone want to write a song about a road to eternal damnation?_**

 _Oh come on Cas, just enjoy the classics._

"I'm on the HIGHWAY TO HELL!" Dean belted out from the passenger seat. Sam had insisted on driving the first leg of the journey. "On the HIGHWAY TO HELL!"

Sam gave his brother a small grin as he himself sang along quietly.

"Hey, SATAN! Payin' my dues! Playin' in a rockin' band! Hey, MAMMA! Look at me! I'm on the way to the promised land!"

His little brother just continued to laugh as he shook his head. "Well you're quite the cheerful one," "Oh come on I think we all deserve a little break, some time to get loose," Dean replied with a lopsided grin on his face, "On the HIGHWAY TO HELL!"

The trip had actually been like this for most of the time. After Sam had finished explaining everything, Dean had decided to try and lighten the mood.

The gist of what he said was this: The ritual that Cas had given them had drawn upon the power of his grace and bound it temporarily to their souls. Basically they had received some of his grace for the duration of the spell, allowing them to have an inside look at what their world looked like through the eyes of an angel, which Dean thought was pretty cool, even though he didn't like having taken Cas's grace and found it kinda weird. They could see the hellhounds for that very reason, but Dean could see more of things from the angelic side because, well Cas was closer to him...inside him...or whatever.

But apparently, Lucifer had a pretty decent system set up in tracking the whereabouts of his demons. According to Crowley, Lucifer must've noticed the two demons that went missing and gone to investigate. Dean thought that the devil would've found that a little below his pay grade but it didn't seem to matter now. Lucifer knew they were a threat, and didn't want to take any chances with the Winchesters. He must've found the empty bodies lying in the bookstore and figured out what happened.

And the girl, if Lucifer was telling the truth, was probably dead...or worse. He was forced to relay that information to Sam, who had averted his eyes and bowed his head at the news. Their job was to help people, not get them killed. Dean knew from past experience that this was going to hurt for a while, a dull ache from the knowledge that they had failed to save someone they were supposed to protect. But he's done this before, many times. He knew it would never truly go away, but it would at least fade.

But Lucifer had gotten all the information he needed from the poor girl, most likely undoing whatever Cas had done to make her forget everything, and anticipated their next move. He had known them, though not well, but long enough to know that the Winchesters could be reckless and downright suicidal. If they wanted the Book of the Damned, they would try and get it ASAP. So he had been cautious, set a trap in Hell just in case. And all of this according to Crowley, who had apparently been witness to this plan.

In the King's words, Sam had said "Your little promenade into Hell set off an alarm that rang for the devil himself. He wouldn't want to miss a chance to skin you alive and tear you into tiny pieces." So they had walked right into it, but what Dean wanted to know is why Crowley had not warned them right away. The bastard. Probably thought if Lucifer was focused for them that he could make a quick escape. But he had helped him find the book and codex, although no doubt it was because Crowley didn't want Lucifer with the book either. Damn, Crowley was always a shady character.

But he had at least tried to lead Sam through a safer route after he had stupidly run right through that invisible door. He had tried to find another way to get Dean back but found none, and with the persistence of Sam, had zapped them both into the chamber Dean had locked himself in. Apparently the room wasn't very well warded against demons.

They had of course grabbed some holy oil on the way, though apparently Sam had been confused as to why until Crowley finally told him the origin of the chamber. Those rooms had only been used for some of the more gruesome forms of torture, designed by Lucifer himself in his younger days and kept secret. So if the hidden door had opened for Dean without Crowley's permission that meant there could only be one other person who had done it, Lucifer.

So Sam and Crowley had just bust in, splashed the Devil with holy oil and lit him up, giving them enough time to get Dean and Cas out. Crowley had grabbed the book and codex while Sam of course, went over to his dying brother. Then Sam had tapped into the angel mojo Cas has given him and brought them all back to the crappy little California hotel, afterwards breaking the sigil on the floor to save Cas's energy. And somehow, in the mix up Sam had gotten both books from Crowley that were then destroyed by Lucifer's rage.

Oh their lives were so much fun.

So after that serious and somewhat lengthy conversation, Dean had decided to rummage through Sam's CDs and throw one into the car radio. Cas had been - and still was - confused as to the point of it but Dean had insisted he shut up and enjoy the experience.

He drummed his fingers on the dash and occasionally pumped his hands in the air to the beat. Man it had been a while since he's been this loose, he felt so giddy. These were the moments he loved for, whenever he didn't have to worry about anything, like the end of the world. It was just him, Sam, and Cas together and on the road.

He had never really had much time with Cas, when he thought about it. Like actually talking and getting to know the guy and his experiences. He actually found it pretty intriguing how Cas has lived for millions of years. All that he must have seen, the idea brought about his curiosity.

Well he did know Cas, more than most people probably, considering that Cas had never really had any friends before him and Sam. But man, even though the angel was older than dirt, he sure lacked common knowledge of music.

 _Are you telling me you've never listened to rock n' roll Cas?_

 ** _I've never had the opportunity; I am usually occupied by whatever task I have at hand._**

Dean echoed his disbelief out loud as he laughed. Sam gave him an odd glance before he understood the situation. "Oh come on guys, don't leave me out of the conversation!"

Dean smiled at Sam, his eyes bright and crinkled in the corners. "Sam can you believe it? Cas has never listened to rock n' roll!" This time it was who Sam laughed and looked over at Dean's amused face, "Really Cas, never?!"

Dean's eyes lost focus for a moment before another laugh caused him to double over. He struggled to breathe as he sputtered out, "He - he just said that - that the last time he had time to appreciate music was in Sodom and Gomorrah. My god Cas, you've been alive how long and you've never even heard the best of the best? And what the hell were you doing in Sodom and Gomorrah? Preaching to the people about their wicked ways?"

 ** _Well before we had to destroy it I thought I'd at least try and warn the people of their wrongs and they happened to be playing music at the time, so I listened... since seeing was less pleasant._**

 _So what you're telling me is you came down with all your holy glory and what? Saw them partying or something?_

 ** _Actually it was more... a more sexual activity..._**

 _An orgy? Cas did you walk in on an orgy?!_

 ** _Um...it was not intentional... and quiet uncomfortable, they kept trying to encourage me... despite my message._**

Dean's laughter doubled in volume and Sam jumped, nearly driving the car off the road. "Jesus, Dean! What the hell!"

"Cas walked in on an orgy!" was all he managed to say as his eyes watered.

"What?!"

"That was the last time Cas listened to music, at an orgy!"

Then through his amusement, which surprised even him, Dean had a thought.

 _Wait so Cas, you've had another vessel before?_

 ** _Yes, she was a very devout and willing woman, despite her fellow residence._**

 _So you were a woman?_

 ** _What does it matter what vessel I inhabit? I just prefer Jimmy's vessel, since I've grown accustomed to it and you now recognize me by it._**

 _It doesn't Cas, I was just curious._

Dean continued to giggle like an immature teen until he finally took several deep breaths, the image of a very flustered female Cas fueling his amusement.

"Ahh, and Sam. Cas was a girl."

There was a spark of interest in Sam's eyes before he just smiled and shook his head.

"That's sounds interesting... like how does it work? I mean do you affiliate with either gender or do you even have one?"

"Aw Sammy, don't nerd out on me now."

 ** _Actually, that is an interesting question. I don't think angels are born with any specific gender, we just choose which one we want to associate with, no matter what vessel we're in._**

"Huh," Dean huffed, finding that info intriguing if not a bit odd. He'd never thought of that before.

"What?"

"Apparently angels just choose what they wanna be," he looked at Sam and shrugged, "So Cas just decided he didn't want to go junk less."

Sam was unamused by the comment just gave Dean a pointed glare.

"What?!" Dean said defensively before staring back at his brother.

 ** _Well that's not the reason I chose it but if that's how you wish to think of it...I guess that's fine._**

 _Okay well if you'd like to share then go ahead._

The angel paused, keeping his thoughts private for a moment before opening up again.

 ** _The male role has traditionally always been associated with the head of the household and the provider and protector of a family. Although as times have changed, so has this, I have always felt more inclined towards that role than that of a female, who in times past was mainly associated with the nurturer and giver of life. Both genders are equally appealing in their nature but as time went on I found myself thinking of myself more as a male. It is all a matter of choice. Anna for example, she had always loved the idea of taking care of humanity and watching it grow. She was very motherly in nature so that is what she decided to be. I love protecting humanity and keeping it from its own trouble. Not so much as to raise and care for it as a child but to guard it. In my long years I have found it fascinating how you're kind develop. You change and adapt and it's something I admire about you. You are independent enough to make your own decisions. You don't need us to make them for you._**

 _...um...well thanks for the lecture there Cas-_

"Dean!"

Dean snapped back to reality when he felt himself being poked hard in the ribs and suddenly looked up to see Sam giving him a weird look.

"Dude, you're doing it again." Dean looked down bashfully, realizing that he must've zoned out again. He'd have to work on that. "Sorry."

Sam just sighed. "Anyway, I'm gonna take a bathroom break and then it's your turn to drive." It was then Dean saw that they had stopped at a gas station. Wow he and Cas really should work on paying attention. "Okay sounds good."

They got out and stretched their legs before Dean walked around to fill up the car and Sam walked off to the bathroom. It only took a couple minutes before Dean sat himself in the driver's seat and Sam returned.

 _Okay Cas, now nothing too distracting while I'm driving, capeesh?_

 ** _Actually could I maybe dri-_**

 _No._

Cas swelled in annoyance and Dean grinned at the pouty little angel.

 ** _I_** **have** ** _driven a car before Dean._**

 _Ya well that doesn't make you a good driver._

There was stroke of warmth in the back of his mind, a kinda soothing rub which Dean took to be begging. And of course that only made him smile more.

 _Oh fine you big baby. That way you and Sam can nerd out about whatever the hell you two talk about._

 ** _Thank you Dean._**

 _But if we crash then I'm ejecting your ass!_

Cas pulsed in a way that reminded Dean of a laugh and he was actually kinda glad the angel was taking the reins. He couldn't deny that he was dead tired.

 _Come on we don't got all night._

The familiar sensation tickled his skin and in the next moment he found his body adjusting to its other occupant.

"Dude! Tell me when you're gonna do that, you scared me for a second!" said a bewildered Sam from the passenger seat.

"My apologies. Dean said that I could drive and 'nerd out' with you," Cas made the little quotations with his hands and Sam had to struggle not to laugh at the sight of his brother using that particular gesture.

"Is something funny?" Cas said tilting his head and scrunching his face in confusion. Sam just kept smiling, "Oh nothing, it's just that Dean would never use those." He repeated the same gesture back to Cas. The angel looked out the windshield, sharing the grin on Sam's face. "Well, your brother can be rather gestural when he wants to, but most times he is content to use his words or none at all." "Ya well sometimes that can be a bit of a pain in the ass."

 _Hey guys, you know I'm still here right?_

Cas just ignored Dean's comment and continued to start the car. The engine rumbled to life and soon they were on the road again.

It wasn't long before Sam started asking Cas questions that Dean didn't even care to listen to. He just sat and watched as Cas held the steering wheel and maneuvered the car along the road. Finally however, after an hour or so he found himself dozing off, which was weird considering that his body was still moving around and working. So he drifted and drifted until Cas finally noticed and officially let him fall into a state of rest.

 ** _Goodnight Dean._**

Cas's voice soothed Dean into sleep as the angel and his brother continued to discuss the origin of squids, something Dean would call ridiculous if he was paying attention. But he just let himself slip into sleep as the three of them drove closer and closer to their home.

Dean let out a long sigh of relief as he walked through the entrance of the bunker. Home at last, he just hoped Lucifer hadn't trashed the place too bad. As they walked down the stairs, they saw that things were just as they had left them, their beers and burgers still on the table and bags dropped on the floor.

There was also a dark red stain that now decorated the steps and Dean was careful not to step on it or think about the fact that that was Sammy's blood. But then he remembered that the impala was downstairs in the garage.

Suddenly his face brightened and he half leaped off the last step and began walking hurriedly towards the hall.

"Where are you going?" Sam said, nearly forgetting to hide his amusement at Dean's enthusiasm. Dean spun around and stared at him with a dumb-founded expression, like the reason was completely obvious. "To see baby of course! It's been a while since she's been given some love."

With that he spun around again and hurried towards the garage. Sam sighed and laid his bags on the table - Dean had forgotten to put his down in his excitement - and then followed the sound of his brother's footsteps.

Sam found Dean lovingly sliding a hand over the impala's shiny surface, checking her for any faults in her black armor. When he found none he just stood and rested his head against the window. "Oh baby I missed you." He patted the car's roof before turning back to Sam. "Well it looks like she's all good and as gorgeous as ever."

"Well that's good," Sam said as he came to lean beside Dean. "It looks like Lucifer didn't stick around long after we left." Dean just nodded as he swept his gaze over the large room. Sam did the same, both of them taking in the familiar site again. Finally Dean huffed and went to grab his bags again that he had laid on the floor.

"Well, it's good to be back. And I have a hankering for a good burger so I'm gonna go cook some actual food, I'm sick of the crappy drive-thru stuff." He started walking to the door with Sam in toe.

"I thought you didn't need to eat anymore Dean," Sam said with a smirk. Dean just waved off his brother's statement. "Well that's doesn't mean I can't eat for enjoyment." "You know it's not good for you-"

"Oh please, Cas can take care of me just fine." Sam put his hands up in surrender as they continued to climb the stairs. "Okay, just don't say I didn't warn you."

Once the two had had their late homemade dinner, provided by Dean, they both headed off to their rooms for the night. And Dean would never admit it to Sam, but he always loved cooking. It made him feel somewhat normal. In that small act he could help what family he had. Although it was just providing Sam with his necessities, cooking was something that he couldn't really mess up, like the rest of their lives. He had confidence in it and that was a welcome change.

And of course Cas had become curious with the science of cooking, the little winged nerd that he was. So while Dean had cooked the burgers, grilling the meat, cutting the tomatoes and so on, Cas had barraged him with so many questions to the point that Dean just began to explain everything. It had been annoying at first but then Dean grew to find it amusing. The angel's fascination with food made him realize how much Cas still had to learn about being human.

But now he yawned as he made his way towards his room. Even though he had technically slept for most of the drive, his body was still physically exhausted. He found the door still open from when he had been running from Lucifer and several chips of tile lay on the floor. He shivered at the memory and then proceeded to enter his room. They would have to clean this all up later.

He thoroughly examined his room, checking his weapons and most importantly his chest full of personal possessions before crashing onto the bed. Everything was still there, thank god – well not really god –but …he was just thankful the devil hadn't burned everything to the ground.

He breathed in the familiar smell of wood and cheap fabric freshener with a bit of alcohol. He knew it wasn't the best smell, but it defined this place as his. Dean let himself sit there, staring at the ceiling and letting his thoughts wonder.

Oh how far they had come, all three of them. From two homeless brothers and an angel with a stick up his ass to three brothers-in-arms, fighting – and succeeding- to save the world. Although it wasn't the path he would've wanted, he did occasionally pride himself in the fact that they had saved the world.

But there were always regrets and guilt, and they were a persistent disease. There were as many lives saved as there were lost, and that still plagued him, and would probably forever. It was just a fact.

He took a deep breath again to shake those thoughts from his head. He wanted to relax and enjoy this little comfort.

Then he felt the presence in his mind shift and reach out to him in a strange roll of grace. He let it wash over him to allow the angel into his mind. He still had many protective walls around his thoughts but he felt comfortable enough to trust the angel not invade them.

 _What's up Cas?_

 ** _Nothing much. I've just been thinking…about what you said, about putting things in the past._**

So that's what this was going to be about. Okay, he would let Cas say what he had to say. He just hoped the angel knew better than to expect anything emotional in return.

 _Okay, that's good. It'll put you out of a lot of misery._

 ** _Well…I know Dean that you don't always listen to your own advice. I know there are some things that you haven't let go of yet either_**

 _And your point?_

 ** _I'm just saying that you should listen to yourself. You think I don't notice every time you feel regret about something, like just now?_**

At that, Dean momentarily checked to make sure he was keeping his thoughts safe. It was a very tiresome thing to do, trying to keep hidden what he was used to being so open in his own head.

Cas must've sensed his sudden worry and he gave what would've put an exasperated sigh.

 ** _It's fine Dean, your thoughts are still hidden from me. But sometimes what you feel, it's not something you can hide. It's not your thoughts Dean…it's you soul._**

 _What, are you saying? That I'm giving off some distress signal or something?_

 ** _You are not giving off a "distress" signal, Dean._**

Dean could practically see the air quotes.

 ** _It's just a feeling. All souls give off some sort of emotion, it's only natural. Your soul is no different._**

 _Okay fine, my soul's telling you I feel like shit. What is it not telling you?_

 ** _Only what you don't want me to know. Your soul can react to different presences as it chooses and reveal as much or as little as it wants._**

Well that was just great. He was already trying so hard to hide his emotions as it was, but now he was being betrayed by his own freakin' soul.

 ** _Emotions aren't a bad thing Dean._**

 _Ya well, they can sometimes be damn annoying and problematic!_

 ** _But without them, you would never have gotten where you are. You would never have stopped the apocalypse or resisted the Mark of Cain. If you had never loved the people you do, you would have done nothing to stop Armageddon. Feeling isn't always weakness, sometimes it is strength._**

Cas paused to let Dean mull it over or stop him if he wished, but he didn't.

 ** _Before I fell from Heaven, I was never allowed to feel anything but once I found you, everything changed. You and Sam showed me what it was like to have emotions, both the good and bad. Do you think I would have fallen if it wasn't worth feeling those things?_**

Dean sat and pondered that thought. That time seemed like forever ago, eight years in fact. Had it really been that long?

And he was still fascinated by Cas's fall and his own salvation, which had turned out to just be what had been written in the heavenly script. But he wouldn't think of that now, he had already thought about it for way too long. Why not put it off a little more?

 ** _Like you said Dean, we have all felt these things. And I appreciate your offer to help, but just know that it goes both ways. If you ever need anything Dean – ever, you can ask me._**

Always like Cas to offer himself for anything. Although it could be infuriating, it was still appreciated.

 _Well…thanks man._

 ** _You're welcome._**

Why was he always so damn polite?

 _And if you don't mind, I think I'll go to sleep now._

 ** _Go ahead, I'll watch over you._**

 _Um ya, you do that._

Dean didn't even bother changing into some more comfortable clothes before turning over and pressing his face into the pillow. He almost immediately began to drift to sleep.

But it didn't even seem like a full minute before his phone began to vibrate in his pocket.

"Oh you're fucking kidding me," he growled angrily as he dug into his pant pocket and reluctantly sat up again.

"Hello?"

"Oh hey Dean!"

"Jody?"

"Ya it's me. How are you doing?"

"Damn tired."

"Oops sorry, I forgot about the time difference," Jody said optimistically through the phone.

"Well, I don't mean to sound too rude but what do you want?" Dean rubbed his eyes as he tried to wake up enough for this conversation.

"Oh I just have some news on your friend. You told me about him once and I thought I'd let you know, in case you didn't know or something."

"Who are you talking about?"

"Castiel, your angel friend."

"What! Where, when? Are you okay?" Dean's heart beat suddenly shot up as he jolted upright.

"Wow there Dean! I'm fine; he is your friend after all."

Dean swallowed his sudden panic and tried to think straight. She was okay, that's all that mattered. But what was she talking about? Had Lucifer found her somehow?

"Okay, what happened?"

"Nothing much, he was just strolling through town he said."

"You talked to him!" His panic rekindled almost instantly.

"Yes I did. Are you okay?"

"Yes, yes I'm fine." He rubbed his hand over his eyes again. Be cool, he had to play this cool. He couldn't tell her about Lucifer just yet, that would just freak her out.

"So you saw him? If that's all why call me?"

"Well, he seemed a bit out of it, kinda creepy almost. But I can never tell with the kinda people you boys hang out with. I just thought I'd let you know, in case something was wrong with him – or not, I don't know."

"Well thank you Jody. We'll be over as soon as possible."

"Oh, okay! If you guys wanna come, go ahead. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine Jody. Just…if you see him again, please call me…and be careful." Dean's voice softened to further express his concern.

"…Okay Dean. I don't know what's going on but whatever it is, it doesn't seem good. And you better tell me when you get here young man!"

Dean sighed before answering, "Yes mam."

"Good! I'll see you in a few days then. And say hi to Sam for me."

"I will."

"Stay safe you two! Bye."

The phone clicked and Dean let it fall onto the bed.

"Shit."

Any desire he had for sleep was now gone and worry quickly replaced it. Couldn't he just get a break for once?

 ** _Dean. It's okay. She is alive, Lucifer didn't hurt her and that's all that matters right now._**

 _You don't think I know that! But what if he does before we get there! What if he smites the whole fucking town! With Claire and Alex and -_

 ** _Dean, I know Lucifer. This is him messing with you. If he wanted them dead, he would've killed them by now. But I don't know if he wants you to go there or if he needed something from that town. Either way we should go check it out._**

Dean just tried to keep his breathing even as he started to get up and make his way down the hall. Sam needed to know about this. And then he would start packing again.

 ** _No Dean, you need your sleep. Wait until the morning._**

 _Time is of the essence Cas. The earlier we leave the better._

 ** _And you are no good to anyone if you're tired. Sleep Dean._**

He did not need this conversation right now, not after he had just had another lecture with Cas. He really couldn't find it in him to argue.

 _Fine._

This whole thing was a big mess. Fuck the devil, fuck everything. He would protect his family. He would do whatever it took to keep them safe. Even if that meant him facing off against Lucifer.

They needed to find some way to ice the devil, and fast.


End file.
